Yeah, I've been very, very, very quiet, haven't I...
Well, might as well start the way I mean to go on. Bascially, I have had a lot of things happen since I last wrote anything. I've had losses and am still with my wonderful wife, discovered the joy of boardgames, stepped away from Attention Please (that is a story I will write someday), bought more Zappa albums, found out I really enjoy RPG's and dice are the shiniest treasure that you will ever find.
It's been a mad few years to say the least, some of it was difficult to go through, but that is life. If you're having an easy time everyday, then do you really live? I'd like to give an answer, but as I seem to have been bless with the shitty end of the stick at times, not really gonna be able to give a pearl of wisdom here.
But over the past few weeks and months, I've really wanted to get back into blogging. But not in the way that I used to blog. The idea of doing a million album reviews holds as much appeal as presenting a radio show these days, I've already gave my pound of flesh to that altar, I truly do not need to do it again. So, what do I want to talk about?
Well, I want talk about things I find interesting
And what would that entail? So I will be looking at things that appeal to myself first and foremost, then I will see if I really want to share these views with the world. So, RPGs, music, wrestling and films then. Aren't you the luckiest audience at this point.đ
I just want to try something and see how it works. Not expecting anything from this, I will probably not have a schedule for my postings, but let us see how it pans out.
Anyway, I think my first few posts will be about some of the games I've been playing, so expect that at "some point"...
Laters
E
#NowPlaying
Lip Critic - Hex Dealer Hot Water Music - VOWS Elbow - AUDIO VERTIGO Belle Royals - Robustly Armenian Middle Kids - Faith Crisis Pt1 Pearl Jam - Dark Matter Future Island - People Who Aren't There Anymore
Alternative art poster by Travis English, originally poster on Alternative Movie Posters.
Check out the rest of Travis's work here!
Plot
The Trade Federation Droid command ship
Really easy to sneak past apparently.
No credits, can't find any
Two Jedi's arrive at a blockage by the "no-we're-not-being-racists-here" Trade Federation orbiting the planet of Naboo, who've been dispatched to end the stalemate by Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum (Terence Stamp), leader of the Republic. The Jedi's are Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). The Trade Federation has caused this blockage on the orders of the shadowy Darth Sidious, the secret benefactor behind this organisation, Sith master and an all-round bad egg. He orders the Jedi to be destroyed and for the planned invasion of Naboo to commence. The Jedi easily despatch of the Droids assassins, then they head to the planet surface aboard separate invasion drones.
So, we had a few drinks and then....shots!
No credits, can't find any.
Once on the surface of Naboo, Qui-Gon Jinn saves a local called Jar-Jar Binks (Ahmed Best), a native from the Gungan race of the planet (the humanoids are called the Naboo's). At the introduction of this character, a thousand geeks cry out in pain and anguish when he arrives on the screen, but I will get to that later. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon convince Jar Jar to take them to the Gungan city, which is under a massive lake/ocean. In case you haven't watched it, the Jedi use handy snorkels that they have in their robes, handy that! It turns out the Jar Jar is a wanted man back home, and not in a good way. In their audience with Boss Nass (Brian Blessed), the Jedi try to persued the Gungan leader to assist with the defence of the planet above. Nass declines, then he focuses his sights on Binks. But Jinn steps in, claiming as he'd saved Jar Jar's life, Binks owes him a life debt. Because of this, they take Binks to be a guide so they can sneak into the Royal Palace of the Naboo.
They must be hiding Linda, we'll never stop looking!
No credits, can't find any!
So, lots of fighting going on, lots of cut scenes to different parts of the barneys, all edited to within an inch of their lives, but pleasing no-one but Lucas. All hope is lost when Qui-Gon Jinn is killed by Darth Maul, whilst Obi-Wan looks on in horror whilst trapped behind an energy field. The Gungans are overrun by the superior technology of the Droids (take that Ewok-theory), people are crying. But the small, pudding bowl hair cut Anakin and R2-D2 somehow manage to crash into the space hangar on the Trade Federation ship, accidentally blow it up, which turns the droid army off. You see, the Trade Federation should have brought some batteries. This causes defeat for the Trade Federation (not a racist stereotype, we believe you Lucas (that last sentence contains sarcasm if you didn't notice)). In the meantime, Obi-Wan has been glaring moodily at Darth Maul, who in turn has been pacing like a caged animal. The energy field is removed, the fight continues and Obi-Wan falls down a hole. Silly Jedi, but never fear, he uses his Jedi magic to reach his lightsaber, jumps out of the hole, and clefts Darth Maul in twain (breaking my heart)! After this, Obi-wan rushes to his fallen master Qui-Gon Jinn, trying to will him to live, but it's too late for O-G at this point. Kenobi makes a death promises to train Anakin, so Qui-Gon can die in peace.
Look at my glittery salty ball!
No credits, can't find any.
You can find a more concise version of the plot on Wikipedia here.
Pros
I don't know where you are....
No credits, can't find any.
+ After the lacklustre Return of the Jedi (spoiler, I might not be a fan of that movie, but I will get to that one in a bit, got the rest of the movies in between to go), it was nice to have a Star Wars film again. It did not have Ewoks for starters, there are a few familiar faces, a few plot holes backfilled in a sort of a messy bow. I will address this later too in the cons and final verdict.
+ Liam Neeson is a little gem in this, who knew that one of the Jedi's would have such a strong Irish accent, top draw channelling of the not-yet-dead-as-of-writing Sean Connery and his Scottish accent there Liam. Please don't hunt me down, this is a complement...hang on, there is a knock at the door....I'm ignoring it.
+ That lightsaber battle between Darth Maul/Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi is the fight against which all other lightsaber duels should be judged. It's a flawless battle, full of drama, deaths and tension. The moment when Darth Maul light the second lightsaber is still one of those cinematic moments where I get lost in the story for a few seconds. Pure cinema magic, I think it was a lucky accident.
You know what they call a Cheeseburger in France?
No credits, can't find any.
+ The amount of top draw actors in this film is staggering. Terence Stamp, Brian Blessed, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson. Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman and all were not your average Star Wars castings in the day. The first films only had Alec Guinness, the legend that is Peter Cushing (miss you everyday Cush) and that guy from Boon as major stars. The rest were relative unknowns who would gain their reputations of those first three Star Wars films. This sort of cast should have on paper, made this a must-see movie, even if it were not a Star Wars film.
+ I have to give a nod to Ian McDiarmid here, who was brilliant as the manipulating Palpatine. He stole the scene whenever he was on the screen, just with his corruptive atmosphere. The hints that he was Darth Sidious were a little too heavy for my tastes, but the overall performance here was spot on.
We'll find Linda, roger-roger!
No credits, can't find any.
+ I know the special effects rely far too much on CGI, but I have a soft spot for the Droid army. They said "roger, roger" all the time, they were easily confused and they sold a hit like The Rock would take a Stone Cold Stunner in the WWE. You didn't need any backstory for these, they were the very definition of cannon fodder.
+ The easter egg of the ET creatures made me laugh out loud when I first saw it at the pictures. It still makes me happy to this day. It's not a big Pro, but I do enjoy things like this. For further reference, C-3PO & R2-D2 appear in a section of hieroglyphics in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Cons
So, you want to cut me out of the franchise Lucas.....
No credits, can't find any!
- George Lucas should never be allowed to write a script or direct a full film of Star Wars on his own ever again. This will be the first con on Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith too, as he needs to be controlled when it comes to his own work. Yes, he was the brains behind the original idea of Star Wars, but he's too close to the product, he can't write dialogue for toffee, his direction in smaller scenes is awful, whilst he is trying to back-tell his own space soap opera. He's very good at doing a big battle scene, I'll give him that. But even then, he almost ruined it by the comedy and clunky dialogue that he thinks is relevant. The fact that Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis all turned down the movie and persued Lucas to do it himself, prove that one - don't listen to your friends and two - they were all smart enough to pass the buck here.
- Midi-chlorians, enough said. It's like "younglings", just nonsense.
Poor kid, I really feel for him.
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- Now, I feel bad for adding this following one in the cons, but we have to discuss the casting of Anakin Skywalker. Now, Jake Lloyd got a lot of stick for his performance here, saying as he was playing the junior version of one of the biggest bad-asses in the Star Wars universe. But let's look at it properly. At the time of filming (which was 1997), Jake Lloyd was eight years old. Now, I can bet my last penny that most of the work that everyone reading this was doing when they were eight, is horse shit and we're secretly glad it's not in the public eye. Jake Lloyd does not have that luxury, he was an actor, delivering the requested performance by a poor director to the best of his abilities. At that age, you can only do what you're asked, so with this in mind, I give him a bit of a pass here. Yes, it was not a commanding performance. But he was only doing as he was directed, which means all his faults must be blamed on the director, which is one George Lucas.
- How in the blue hell did The Trade Federation not get the people at 20th Century Fox worried about the blatant racism on show here? I mean, what the fuck! What the actual fuck was Lucas thinking on this one? That no-one would mind or notice, that it was a happy coincidence that they sounded of Asian decent? I'm still shaking my head at this one, it's one of the most insensitive parts of this movie, it's right at the beginning, shame on you Lucas, shame on you.
- Glittery balls, just why. I mean it just made me shake my head.
Honestly, how could they not tell he
was the bad guy!!!!
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- Whilst the (spoiler - supposed) death of Darth Maul here was dramatic, it killed off (spoiler - at the time) one of the most hyped aspects of this movie. Darth Maul, with that striking look, was one of the biggest images of The Phantom Menace. He was silent for the most part (with his voice being provided by the delightful Peter Serafinowicz, check out the TV series Look Around You), looked like a real game-changer a-la Boba Fett before Lucas got cold feet there, and like the Fett, took an early shower from the series. How this character was written off for the rest of the main saga is a mystery, as he was a brilliant creation.
- The shadowing of Palpatine as the Emperor was OTT, we did not need John Williams doing the oh-not-so-subtle-musical indications each time he was on screen. Ian McDiarmid, who as previously stated was great here, did that all on his own, he's that damn good at the role!
Twin magic!
No credits, can't find any.
- C-3PO being made by Anakin was a cop-out! I mean, it was a joke and a half that one! A slave would be able to build a robot in his spare time at 8 years old, please! I was still playing with my plastic soldiers at that point, also wondering why I saw the colour red as brown too.
- Still upset by the glittery balls, it might take some time to get over it.
- If we're being picky, and this is being picky. The twin magic trick they tried to play here was not believable. There was a story that people thought they were twins in real life, but I don't buy it. I mean, the voice changed each time, their faces are different! I know I'm supposed to be suspending my disbelief, but they could have cast someone, with a twin!
Final Verdict
Fight forever! (clap, clap, clap)
No credits, can't find any.
Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace is a difficult movie for a lot of people. It is the genesis of the "get Lucas away from his creation" movement, one which gained more traction as the prequels went on. Whilst Star Wars can never be seen as Shakespeare, or even a Quentin Tarantino script (although I'm now thinking about a Tarrantino Star Wars, it would be better than Star Trek), but at least someone was there to wrestle the script away from Lucas after the first one, to give the script life after it was written by a man who stayed too long at his own party. The thing Lucas needed here, was someone to take his vision, take his idea, as he is good at the big picture and put it on screen. I have to admit in the bigger moments here, which were not affected by stupid dialogue, The Phantom Menace is an on-pair Star Wars movie. The pod-race (if you watched it without that two-headed commentator creature) is rather good. The space fight (without Anakin doing what Lucas asked) is decent. The lightsaber duel though, that is a thing of beauty. That right there ladies and gentlemen, is what saves this movie, stopping it from being a complete dud.
I truly feel sorry for Jake Lloyd, he was damn for giving a performance that the director had felt was fit for the big screen. The poor lad did not have a chance, imagine the pressure on him, that poor child was not helped by Lucas, which is one of his worst moments in the history of the whole franchise. Lucas failed to deliver in terms of believable dialogue, failed to give clear instruction to the most important character of the movie (think about it, he becomes Darth Vader, he didn't have to be a moody bad-ass, but he needed to have the rough edges of his performance ironed out), failed to deliver on the hype that surrounded the movie upon its release. His friends had pursued him to do this on his own, they persuaded him to fail. Star Wars has always worked best when Lucas gives input, but someone else is at the steering wheel. The Phantom Menace is exhibited A in this argument.
Turns out, he's not the worst thing in
this movie.
No credits, can't find any.
Now, I know that some of you would have noticed a certain character is missing from the cons list (he's also missing from the pros list too). Yes, I'm talking about the Jar Jar in the room. Mr Binks and his comedy hijinx! Well, if you're looking for more Jar Jar bashing, you have come to the wrong place. I had no real strong feelings towards the character when he came out, but over the years I find myself more on the side of liking him. I take a weird pleasure in announcing I have no issue with Jar Jar Binks here. This is for a few reasons. One - Ahmed Best can only give the performance that he is asked to do by the director. Therefore, all of Jar Jar's comedy (which did make me laugh once or twice) must fall at the feet of Lucas. Two - Jar Jar was a character that was aimed at the kids. The comedy is slapstick and done well, albeit in the wrong type of movie. He is being set up for his position of idiot who crowns the king later on. Three - He is also a toy-making character. Think about how Ewoks were aimed at the Generation X kids, there is a similar feeling. But without the murder bear thing, never understood why people thought Ewoks were cute. They were going to eat Luke, Han and Chewbacca! Four - He's not the worst character here, I think that honour falls to the Trade Federation. Even if it's by a racist coincidence, they are so fucking insensitive. No debate to be had, they are tonally racist and therefore, the worst things here. And finally, five - I will never get tired of seeing people of my age going into a raging storm when you even post a picture of this character. You should try it as a game, especially to my mate David. He got so sick of it, he left Facebook. He still gets picture messages though, there is no hiding from.....HIM! Viva la Jar Jar, you strange monster of the Gen X Generation!
Phew, phew!
No credits, can't find any.
With all of that being said, this is not the worst film in the Skywalker Saga. Not even the worst film in the prequels. Sure, Lucas is a little bit too simple in his storytelling, makes inadvertent racist characters, got the casting wrong in places and can't do dialogue for toffee, but I still find it watchable in places. It's artificially high on my list due to that lightsaber battle, a thing of beauty that it is. I feel that The Phantom Menace could have been a decent movie if it were in the hand of another director who would have equal script control with Lucas. As I said earlier, Lucas is good at the big picture. He's just shit at the important parts, like getting a believable performance out of his actors. You can't unmake this movie, so we need to get over it. That same sentiment goes for anyone who is bitching about the last three movies, they are not going to be unmade any time soon, move along. So, The Phantom Menace! Few good sequences, lots of bad direction, what a brilliant lightsaber battle.
5 out of ten - A brilliant lightsaber battle saves this from a lower mark
Movie poster from The Movie Data Base,
all rights kept with the original sources
Plot
Look at that beard! You know he's
a safe bet with that beard! No credits,
I can't find any
After an unnecessarily long intro montage of photos of the Titanic, the film starts with an American spy deep within Russian territory, looking for an abandoned mine. The mine in question was dug to find a rare radioactive material called byzanium (side note - when looking at the link on Wikipedia for this mineral, it came up as unobtainium, cue Avatar jokes and wish I had chosen to review that one. We're only five minutes in at this point, I fill like I've lived a decade with this as the background noise). He finds a man who has been frozen, with an inscription saying he was a US Army Sergeant. Back in Washington, there is a lot of top Army & Navy brass who are getting "dramatic", worried about the American in the mine. The main characters in this huddle of nerves are Admiral James Sandecker (Jason Robards) and scientist Gene Seagram (David Selby). Meanwhile, in Soviet Russia, Army shots you! That's right, our little miner is being shot and mauled by a Russian dog. Just as well Dirk Pitt (Richard Jordan) who just happens to be passing. He shots the Russian soldier, leaves the dog to starve and saves the American, because America!!!! Poor miner, we don't even get to find out his name, probably Chad or Walter, they're strong names. He's probably a Bob though, poor Bob.
Beard and the legend called
Sandecker!
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So, Dirk brings back nameless Bob home to America, instead of a hospital in Europe maybe, shouts at Admiral Sandecker and Gene that the man needs a hospital, just to prove he is a man who is against authority! Turns out that Sandecker hired Dirk to pick up the miner, as he is a solider for hire, a man who can get things done. Basically, the rugged American dream with a beard and shiny hair, you can smell the cologne and imagine the medallion now. Anyway, he brings back man, then they all have a talk. Turns out they were looking for the byzanium for a defence project called the Sicilian Project, which would shield America from nuclear attack using lasers. Nothing else, just a shield, promise, this is not a bad thing, nope, nah-nah. (Spoiler - the dirty military have other schemes for it, imagine a man twirling his overlong moustache saying "ha, ha, ha").
Whilst researching the details of the sergeant that was found in the frozen mine, they discover that he had helped mine out all the byzanium from the mine, was chased by Russian's from the mine to Southampton, via Aberdeen in Scotland, and placed the mineral in a safety deposit box on the first ship heading to New York. If you have not already guessed, that ship was the Titanic. On the last transmission back to America, the agent says "thank god for Southby". Because the byzanium is so rare (fictional even...sorry, this movie makes me angry), the choices that the team have to face are to find a new source of byzanium, which might never happen or get the only known deposit off the floor of the Atlantic Ocean. They ponder this and decide, what the hell, let's just raise the Titanic. Meanwhile, the Russians are trying to figure out why the Americans have been in their borders, what happened to the dog and what are they up to.
This one of the only photos I can
find of Anne Archer in this movie.
That should tell you a lot.
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At this point, Gene meets up with his girlfriend Dana Archibald (Anne Archer), who just so happens to also be the ex of Dirk too. She is a reporter at the Washington Post, a fact that will be important later. Dirk, on the other hand, travels to Cornwall, to meet John Bigalow (Alec Guinness, hamming it up big style), the last man to see the agent who had place the byzannium (this word is getting tiresome to type out, same as the movie). Bigalow talks about the agent forcing him to got to the vault whilst the ship was sinking, then patting the safe and saying "thank god for Southby" (see, repetition, it must be important. Bigalow and Dirk head to Biogalow's pub, where he keeps his Titanic memorablia, takes down a flag and asks Dirk to place it back on the ship where they raise it.
Using the last known radio co-ordinates of the US team commence their search of the ocean floor for the Titanic (as it was not discovered at the time), they send submarines down to explore for the lost ship. One of the submarines gets into a bit of bother, radios for help from Manly Dirk, who loses the radio signal. He sends another ship to the same depth (which is silly, at they might get in trouble too) and they watch the poor bastards explode under the intense pressures of the Ocean. That's right, watch them go boom, but with water and a darkened screen. All the while, you have John Barry's soundtrack in the background, sounding like some Bond off-casts to create the tension. Dirk goes back to land and shouts at his colleges, then scientist Gene thinks they're looking in the wrong place and thinks they should be ten miles south. Also on the ship, they notice that the radio waves on the ship go funny at the same time at night, just when a man goes to the side of the ship with a radio (spoiler - spy).
More dark and gloom shots of the sea crew in the darkness of the ocean, more John Barry music and then, they find a musical instrument. This is big enough news for it to be sent to Washington, where they find out it was from one of the musicians who went down with the Titanic. It's a small bit of good news, but they are still missing the giant ocean liner. They keep on looking, and looking, and looking, and looking, then they discover a trench. So, they quickly think it might be down there, hence why they've not been able to find her, a sneaky sunken ship that she is. Incidentally, why do sailors call ships "she"? Just an honest question, I have no idea why, I know I could search for it online, but stuck in the middle of reviewing this crud (spoiler - it's not good).
That is no boat.....
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Also, the Russians are wanting to cause trouble. They know about the byzanium, the Sicilian Project and that they are going to raise the Titanic. This is due to the spy that they have onboard the American salvage team. They decide that it is time to alter the press, using their contact at the Washington Post (bet you can't guess who that is going to be!!!!) and to see what the reaction of the US is to their clandestine plans being made public. So, Scientist Gene is pissed at his girlfriend Dana for publishing the story (see, bet you....oh, you did see it coming. Because you're not a child and this could have been written by the scriptwriters of Eastenders with more depth....OK, I will continue). He is upset that she went with the story, even though he never tells her what his work is about. She is upset that he is being a douche canoe and that he brings up bearded Dirk. An argument at work occurs and she admits she lived with Dirk, Gene runs away in a huff and end scene. On another side note, this is the end of the love-struck character arc, seems a bit wasted.
The American rush to hold a press conference, which is hosted by Admiral Sandecker, to confirm they are looking to raise the Titanic, how they are going to raise her (what with there being a big hole in the side), and then they end the press conference. However, the press reporters continue to follow Sandecker out of the building, asking his further questions which he gives refuses to answer (What about byzanium? What is the Sicilian Project? Why is a man who played Al Capone in The St. Valentine's Day Massacre in this film?), all of which are waved away. The scene then goes back to the salvage, with more failed Bond music and sweeping montage shots underwater, to show time is passing. There is also a scene where the main characters are trying to figure out where the spy signal is coming from. Lots of huffy, manly posing, no slamming though, which I was sort of expecting. Then, Sandecker comes in with a report that one of the crew has connections to North Korea, which abruptly ends that part of the tale.
These lucky bastards managed to leave
the movie early! I had to sit through
the lot!
No credits, can't find any
With that out of the way, the crew begins to place the floating devices and bombs onto the Titanic, to bring her up to the surface. Scientist Gene goes along in one of the subs, for reasons. You know, it seems as if more drama is about to occur. And by poor forgotten miner Bob, shenanigans occur as his sub get stuck into the roof of the Titanic, which trying to add a floatation device. The irony is magic ladies and gentlemen, just sheer Hollyweird magic. Handsome Dirk smacks his hand when he finds out about this, probably causing slight bruising. This is never confirmed, but smacking your hand down usually causes pain, unless you're a wrestler. At this point, the crew is drowning, with battery acid flooding into the cockpit and trouble brewing. A big meeting happens where Dirk tells the Army and Navy chiefs that the Titanic is coming up earlier than planned, to save the four lives in the stricken sub. At the risk of sounding cynical, I think Dirk would be removed and lose his beard privleges at this point in real life. Then again, this is a film about raising the Titanic to stop nuclear war, so what would I know.
Next, we have a montage of the depth charges being set up, the crew in the submarine being told to save oxygen and John Barry causing you to dream about watching a film with Roger Moore. This leads to more drama and shots of lovely models (the submarine type, not the glamour type) getting ready to blow things up. They do this slowly, rocking the sunken vessel like it's a car stuck in the mud, which sure as a bear is having a shit in the woods, causes the Titanic to rise out of the water, saving the four-man crew in the submarine too. They should have known they'd be saved, they had one of the main cast members on the ship and this is not the recent version of Battlestar Galactica, when everyone dies who you think is going to be important. When the ship comes to the surface, John Barry turns up the music once more. It had been silent before when the drama was building, I think I preferred it that way.
At least it looks good coming out of the
water!
No credits, can't find any!
Dirk is then allowed to be the first person to walk around the Titanic, which he does all alone. No other army officials or scientists, just him looking at the rotten ship. He then finds the flag pole and keeps his promise to John Bigalow, raising the standard of the White Star Liner company. The effects have dated for this scene, but I get the significance of it. We then cut to a Russian ship where Captain Andre Prevlov (Bo Brudin (the man who gave the all-clear for the news story to be leaked earlier in the film) arrives, heading towards the raised vessel with haste. Sandecker, Scientist Gene and Dirk the '80s guy are walking around the Titanic, quietly looking for the byzanium.
Meanwhile, the Russians cause the American support ship to go to a fake distress signal, so they can send Prevlov to the Titanic. He comes onboard, stakes claim to the ship, as well as the byzanium and threaten to blow them all up if they do not agree to his blackmail. This is the usual "bad Russian "we arm ourselves for peace"" dialogue that you come to expect. But, the American's were too "smart" for this, they knew what was coming and arranged for a submarine of their own, one with missile capabilities to show up. The Russians, knowing they beat, run away with their tail between their legs, more flag-waving, America RULEZ!!!! With a Z, to prove how much they rules/zs.....
So, you can't find Linda either?
No credits, can't find any!
Once the Russians have left, two small tug boats start to drag the Titanic back to New York, not even montage style, as that would have taken too long and the film is almost over (hurray). The is greeted with open arms, flag-waving, John Barry spunking over the trumpets, horns, the works! It also looks at one point as if the Goodyear blimp was going to dive-bomb it, there is a joke there, but I'm not going to make it. Not about New York, no....bad you for making it yourself. Scientist Gene and Dirk the caveman open the cargo hold where the byzanium is supposed to be kept, together with the corpse of the spy. The generals move the boxes (no soldiers to help them, sounds suspicious), they open the boxes and they are filled with gravel. This leaves the Generals, Scientist Gene and Dirk the bad Dad looking sad.
Scientist Gene, Sandecker and Dirk the Beard model are all licking their collective egos when Sandecker reveals that he thought that if they had have found the byzanium, he didn't think that the military would allow it to only be used for a shield project. This upsets Scientist Gene, who was naive and asks Sandecker why. Sandecker admits, if a bomb was to be made out of byzanium, he wanted it to be a red, white and blue American bomb! YEAH! FUCK THE WORLD! And people wonder why the world is in the place it is in....Anyway, Gene gets in a bigger huff, says if he'd known that the military might have military thoughts towards his defence system, that he would not have gone after the byzanium in the first place. Cue angry drinking of water, scientists know the value of rehydration.
Fight over a girl, then forget the girl and
go to Cornwall. Yeah, that seems right!
No credits, can't find any
Dirk has been sitting there, stroking his beard, when he gets up and says that this is not over, handing Gene a postcard from the corpse. The postcard is of a church in a place called Southby, see - I told you that would be significant! They go there together, sans military bad guys, and find the grave of Jack Hobart. One Geiger counter reading around the grave, the needle goes through the roof. So, the American spy had left the byzanium in the ground, where it could pollute the local residents and cause an international incident. Silly man that he is, trying to hide something and be clear, silly man. Anyway, back to the movie. The gravediggers come along, but Dirk halts them, with a wave of his hand and beard power. He says that it is up to Scientist Gene if they should dig up the polluting material, or leave it where it is and cause thousands locally to grow extra limbs (I might be ab-libbing at this point, but I need some sort of joy here). Scientist Gene waves them away too, deciding that the world is a safer place without the byzanium. The boys walk away and joke about a girl, say manly things and then we see the Titanic raise again, cause it was so realistic the first time. End movie.
A more concise and clear version of the plot can be found on Wikipedia here.
Pros
Everyone loves a model!
No credits, can't find any!
+ The model work on the submarines is really effective. I know we live in an age where CGI is king, but I do love a good model. It's what helped Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and other movie gain a foothold in my mind. So, I applaud them for most of the models, apart from the one of the ships on the surface, that one is shoddy at best.
+ Jason Robards was a legend, I love his work and he is a shining light here, in a dark and dank script.
+ Alec Guinness is hamming it up so much here, he cannot help but play himself at this point. Yes, you find it hard to believe that someone with his accent was ever a lowly member of a ship's crew, but you know, it's Alec Guinness. The man is a legend and he must have been doing this as a favour. Even so, I have some cons about this too, which you will see below.
+ Spending the best part of this review trying to think up of silly ways to talk about '80s man beard, it was just too much for me and I had a blast doing that. The fact Richard Jordan would end up in The Hunt for Red October is a no-brainer. He is another wasted in this movie, even with his '80s facial attire.
Cons
Look at the beard, so '80s!
No credits, can't find any!
- Some of the cast are wasted here. Jason Robard and Alec Guinness are two treasures in my eyes, both of them are doing their respective bests (or hammy phoning) in this, but you can only polish a turd so much before you are covered in shit.
- I spent the whole movie thinking that the music sounds like a bad James Bond soundtrack, this is because it was created by famed Bond Movie soundtrack guru, John Barry. I know that music can be used to cause drama and a tense atmosphere, but mostly it distracted me. This is also by a happy coincidence a Pro, as it distracts you from the god awful movie you are watching. Sorry, spoiler alert, this is trash. I know a lot of people say it's the best part of the movie, but I found it to be too overpowering. It's like adding garlic to chocolate ice cream. You might like both, but one is going to overpower the other, cause you to regret every choice you've made in life up to that point.
- The love interest story was here, why, just why? That could have been anything else, but it's just left there. I feel it's an insult to the actors and actress involved that it was even placed in this movie.
- When this script was reviewed by the American Navy, Admiral David Cooney, Chief of Information for the Navy, demanded the script be rewritten to make the American's look better, as the Russian's looked too smart in the original. Why this was being run past the military, I have no idea, everyone looks dumb in it.
- The model of the Titanic that was used in this film famously cost $7million to make, which is roughly the same it made in the box office. It was not money well spent on that model, it is the only one which doesn't work for me.
- So back to Alec Guinness, who clearly could not give a fuck for the five minutes he was on screen. Why did he have a credit, did he need it? Not for that role, it was over within minutes! I love the work of this man, but this is not one of his better performances. It's great to see him on screen, but by Judas is he wrongly cast.
Final verdict
Look, models!
No credits, can't find any!
Rise of the Titanic is a god-damn awful film, part drama, part thriller, all of nothing. It tries to build on cold war tensions, but it does not achieve this, due to four things. One - it tries to make the American forces look smart and stupid at the same time, as they cannot figure out what the beard caveman figured out in two seconds near the end. Two - the sheer amount of dull scenes was breathtaking. I know that you're going to be hard pushed to create drama in a submarine, but if Sean Connery can do it as a Russian with a strong Scottish Accent, they could have too! Three - the supposed swerve of the military having secret bomb aspirations was not a surprise, not at all. In fact, it was telegraphed as big as the Goodyear Blimp (stop making that joke, you are bad people). And finally, four - the oversaturation of John Barry was a bless and bane to this film in equal measure.
To be fair, there were some plus points. It's always a pleasure to see Jason Robards in a movie, I truly loved his performance in St. Valentine's Day Massacre. He is one of the few people who gives his character some depth. Anne Archer is trapped in a one-dimension role, and she is also the only lady with significate screen time. Another curse of the '80s movie here, it's a regular sausage party of white males. The diversity here is of the age as well, which makes me roll my eyes too. This film was a staple of the '80s TV schedule, as it tried to make up some of its $40 million budget! This is a staggering figure, which is why this is one of the most famous flops in film history. It's also a bit of an easy target, one which is too easy to bitch on. But never the less, it's an awful film. I'd rather watch Attack of the Clones and the 2008 version of Journey to the Center of the Earth back to back, A Clockwork Orange style. These are two of the biggest crimes against cinema, and I would weep happily into my sleep watching these, then watch this sunken turd ever again,
2 out of ten - All marks are for the performance of Jason Robards
Who goes to jail in a tux, I mean real!!! No credits, can't find any
Conman and trickster Danny Ocean (George Clooney) is released from prison on parole, wasting no time in tracking down his partner-in-crime Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt), with a little help from con man & card dealer Frank Catton (Bernie Mac). Danny finds Rusty bored and depressed in Los Angeles, teaching celebrities how to play poker, but they're really bad at it. Danny and Rusty pull an instant con on them, splitting the money and walking off into the night. In a late-night grill, Danny proposes a heist to Rusty, hitting three casinos in one night: the Bellagio, the Mirage, and the MGM Grand. All these buildings are owned by on Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia), who is famous for being ruthless when it comes to his properties.
You see, someone who dresses worse than me! No credits, can't find any.
They approach Reuben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould), an ex-casino owner whose previous casino is being demolished, all at the hands of Benedict in a power move (you see, Benedict is not a nice man, uses too much hair gel to be a good guy). Seeing the change at revenge, as well as the change to wear some awful glasses, Reuben decides to finance the operation. With the money sorted, they went hunting for colleagues.
To help them with their grand scheme, they recruited Frank Cotton, tech expert & walking nervous wreck Livingston Dell (Eddie Jemison), explosive guru Basher Tarr (Don Cheadle, with an OTT cockney accent, somehow still better than Damon Alburn's real-life accent), elderly con man Saul Bloom (Carl Reiner - rest in peace you comedy genius), mechanics and constantly fighting brothers Virgil & Turk Malloy (Casey Affleck & Scott Caan), greasy man/acrobat "The Amazing" Yen (Qin Shaobo), and finally, pickpocket Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon), who was recommended to Danny by Linus father.
Rusty & Saul at the races, God bless you Carl Renier RIP No credits, couldn't find any
The gang have a meeting at Reuben's house, where they are shown all the things they have to overcome for the heist to succeed. On the night that they are planning to rob the vault of these casinos, a major fight between Lennox Lewis & Wladimir Klitschko (playing themselves), the Nevada gaming commission insists that the vault has to have enough cash on hand to cover all their patrons' bets. On that night, they will need to have at the very minimum, $150,000,000 without breaking a sweat. Not going to lie, I would be swayed too, but I've got no skills for such a job, probably just as well. Then again, I am very good at talking bullshit about movies and music, maybe there is a place for me. Fingers crossed!!!!
Everybody wants her, but nobody knows her!!! - No credits, can't find any
Over the next week and a bit, the crew build a replica of the casino in a warehouse, to go over the job, as well as carry out surveillance in the hotels, so they can figure out how to get in and out, the pathways of the security, etc. Linus is given the job of tailing Terry Benedict, which he does admirably. When Rusty is with him, to see how he is doing, he sees Benedict's girlfriend, Tess (Julia Roberts). Who just so happens to be the ex-wife of Danny Ocean. Yes, you guessed it, Danny has an ulterior motive, who'd have thought that these two things would dovetail together!!!!
Rusty, obviously rather pissed off that Danny had kept this discovery from the team, has a little verbal barney with Danny. Danny admits that it's both he is after, giving Rusty the power to pull Danny out of the team if it was to the determent of the job. This is an important detail for later, more about that soon. Meanwhile, Reuben's old casino is demolished which knocks out the power to Las Vegas, causing problems for Basher. This is due to the authorities finding an issue with their utilities, something that Basher was going to exploit, but this was not now possible. He talks to the crew and they go to steal a pinch (an electromagnetic device which can knock out the electronics off a large area, but without causing permanent damage). In this little heist, Linus and Danny get into a shouting match after Linus didn't follow instructions, Lin damages his hand as it's trapped in a door and there's a big cloud of negativity hanging over the group.
Damn you Linus, we could have made it home in time for Letterman! No credits, can't find any.
Then, things get worse for Danny, a lot worse. As the group had managed to piggyback onto Benedict's security network, they found that Danny had been "Red Flagged", which meant that security would be watching him like a hawk. This had come about as he had met with Tess (who was not pleased to see him), Benedict had turned up, was overly cordial and firm with Ocean, hinting that he did not expect to see him again. Linus who was still pissed off from having his ass torn open by Danny, dropped him in it, as he'd been tailing Danny too, as he was tailing Benedict. Rusty upon hearing all of this, kicked Danny out of the heist, pointing out that Danny had said that no-one was bigger than the job. Remember the earlier conversation, it'll become important again, trust me....secrets!
With Danny out of the group and d-day approaching, Linus has to take Danny's role in the heist, playing a Nevada State Gaming Agent. Saul has been staying in the hotel as a rich weapon's seller, who asks Benedict if he can place some jewels in the vault and everyone is going through their parts and getting ready. They keep focusing on different pieces of furniture, cars and they keep looping into each other. It's rather fun to see how some of these things become important later, but back to the plot!
What you don't know, is that Saul and Terry are looking for Linda. They're both huge fans of Hue & Cry! No credits, can't find any.
Fight night has arrived, Saul has arranged for his package to be delivered, which Benedict will let him view going to the vault from the security centre, as he smells something doggy with Saul. See, the villain cannot be totally fooled, he knows there's something fishy going on. When Benedict is going through the casino, he spots Danny on the casino floor. Danny quickly catches up with Tess to say goodbye and is then confronted by two bouncers. These men have been tasked by Benedict to take Ocean to a room in the back, a room without cameras. Whilst in there, the security step out as a big, tattooed bouncer comes in. The bouncer punches Danny, but he is told off by Danny, he tells him he's supposed to hit him after the heist! See, he's still involved. Maybe I should have written "spoiler" before that...Oh well, too late now (plus this movie is really old, you should have seen it by now). The bouncer, named Bulldog (played by Scott L. Schwartz, who also appears in first three Ocean films) is actually a gentle guy, which is rather sweet. But yeah, he does punch people for a living, so you know, you can never judge a book by its cover. However, he helps Danny into the ventilation system, this is important for later.
Who is the player, place your bets!!! No credits, can't find any
The plan is now live, Linus interrupts Benedict to take Frank Cotton to the back, exposing him as working under an alias. This is all to get the security codes for the lift out of Benedicts pocket, which is done via a pick-pocket/misdirection moment (this is known as a Jim Browm, the cons are all given little names, so of cute and make you spend far too much time looking for them on the internet, which makes to police knock on your door.....so I've been told). As Linus makes his way to the lift, the security team can see this and are about to send goons to stop him, but Saul (who is still in the security room, watching his package) fakes a heart attack. This gives Livingston the chance to change to security feed to a loop of an empty elevator. When Linus is in the lift and opens the top, Danny is there waiting for him, having been waiting for him since being helped by Bulldog earlier on. See, told you it was important. Linus realises that Danny had wanted Linus to catch him following Tess, as this was part of the secret sub-plan all along. In the meantime, Rusty, Virgil & Turk dress up as a medical team to take out Saul from the security room, hamming it up with some really bad acting.
At this point, Benedict and Tess (with Reuben in the background to give him an alibi) are at the boxing match. Yen is already in the vault, having been smuggled in a deposit box, and is placing the jewels in Saul's case on the door, as they're explosive (what a shock). As the fight is about to go off, Danny and Linus are hanging under the lift, awaiting the signal to drop. They can't go straight away, due to the security lasers in the lift shaft. This signal comes when Basher uses the pinch to knock out the electrics in Las Vegas. Chaos erupts, Linus and Danny drop down the lift shaft and everything is in an uproar. Benedict and Tess leave the match and a phone rings in Tess's jacket, a phone which was planted there by Danny earlier. Rusty is on the line, who informs Benedict of the robbery which is currently occurring. This may seem like a strange strategy but wait for a few moments, as there are more twists to come. It's almost as if it was last summer, happier times.
Wait, we have to get home for Baywatch! No credits, can't find any
Benedict asks Tess to go up to their luxury apartment in the hotel, whilst he stays in the security area. Danny and Linus blow their way into the vault, almost blowing up Yen, whos bandage was stuck in the door (due to Linus from earlier on). But thankfully, the acrobat still has all his limbs, but he is a little pissed at the delay. Back in the security room, Rusty has Livingston turn the camera to a live-stream of the vault, showing the gang robbing Benedict. Benedict silently gets his head of security to call the cops, whilst appearing to agree to let the robbers take how the funds in his vault. The robbers place cases in the lift which are placed in a van (that is being controlled by a robot), which is followed by Benedict's security team. Once the van stops at a private airport, the security team go to stop the van from fleeing, but when they approach the van it explodes. They report back that the bags that were placed in the van were full of hooker flyers.
At this point, Benedict is in the vault with the S.W.A.T. team, looking at the wreckage of the room. He angrily asks the Police to leave, which they do (rather suspicious if you ask me, but I'm a cynic at heart). All alone, he looks at the floor and asks the security team to re-run the tape of the robbery. He asks them if the Bellagio logo on the mat is shown on the video, which is confirmed to be missing from the tape. He realises that they've been duped, that the footage was from a replica of the vault, so he goes to speak to Danny. In a montage sequence, you see that when the head of security called the Police, the team diverted the call to Livingston, who pretended to be the police. You then see the S.W.A.T. team (who is really the gang, playing dress-up) assist Danny, Yen and Linus bagging up the real cash, blow up the vault and walk out with the cash.
Just as the penny drops.... No credits, can't find any
Benedict opens the door to where Danny is being held, to find Mr Ocean in the middle of his "beating" from Bulldog. You see, it's all about timing. Benedict asks Danny if he had anything to do with "it" (hinting at the robbery, but not specifically saying he'd been robbed), Danny looks confused and claims innocence. Hearing this, Terry releases Danny, asking his security to guide him out of the building. At the same time, the gang call Tess in the fancy apartment, telling her to turn on her TV. She sees a feed of Danny and Terry talking, where Benedict says he'd give up Tess to get his money back. As you'd expect, Tess takes this to heart. Danny says he knows someone who could help Terry get his cash back, but Terry tells his goons to get Ocean out of there and to hand him over to the police for violating his parole (you can't leave your home state, which was not Nevada for Danny Ocean, the bad lad).
My favourite scene of the whole film! No credits, can't find any
Benedict heads to his apartment, where Tess passes him and dumps his ass, leaving Terry to go back to his apartment alone and broke. Tess catches up with Danny as he's being led away by the Police, where they make up and he says he'll be out of prison in a few months with good behaviour. Whilst this is happening, the rest of the gang celebrate their successful heist by watching the fountain show outside The Bellagio. One by one, they walk away into the night and the screen fades to black. But it's not over! They pulled a LOTR on us, the crafty bastards! Danny is released from prison after serving his sentence, with Rusty waiting outside for him. Tess is waiting in the car, a small conversation and they finally reconcile. As they drive away, Benedict's personal goons are watching their movements, obviously following Ocean to see what has happened with the funds!
You can read the shorter and less details plot on Wikipedia here.
Pro
+ The layers in this film is ludicrous! Things that are small and in the background, like the air freshener in the van, the jewels being polished by Basham, the phone being dropped secretly in Tess's pocket, all tiny things build up into one massive perfect heist.
How is he so thin when he's eating in every scene!!! No credits, can't find any
+ This is a real team picture, everyone gets their moments to shine on the camera. You can look at them all, study them and there is not one person I could say that "X" character could be recast. It's one of the few times I think that the casting of a film is spot on, each actor and actress excels in their roles, creating a fascinating story that you can absorb yourself in. I believe Carl Renier's Saul when he is being the Russian weapons dealer, I believe Casey Affleck & Scott Caan as two brothers who live in this battle of one-ups-man-ship that is so childish and stupid. Brad Pitt eating all the time though, that's not believable (honestly, the man never stops with the food and drink in this, he should be bigger than me, must have a high metabolism, lucky bastard).
+ The visuals of this film are perfect, all the glitz, sleaze, glamour and fury are shown on screen, with the camera work almost being another member of the crew. You could argue that it's style over substance, but as this film has about a million layers to the heist, that argument is wrong and stupid.
Legend - RIP No credits, can't find any
+ The more I watch this film, the more I appreciate the understated performance of Carl Renier. He tends to be the quiet man, unless he's being the arms dealer. I love how he can steal a scene without much action, just by his sheer presence. We miss you Carl, here is hoping you're at rest now!
+ It was a nice touch to have the cameos of some of the actors from the original Ocean's 11, which started Frank Sinatra and members of The Rat Pack. Sure, they didn't drag out Frank's corpse, but Henry Silva and Angie Dickinson both appeared. The group of actors being taught to play poker consisted of Holly Marie Combs, Topher Grace, Joshua Jackson, Barry Watson and Shane West, which was fun to see them be willing to play suckers. Not everyone would be up for that, so kudos to them. On a side note, it's at times like these that I regret adding IMDb links to each actor/actress's name! Damn you past Eddie, you've given yourself too much work!
But where is Linda God damn it! No credits, can't find any
+ Andy Garcia as Terry Benedict is a believable bastard, you could see him trying to tear you apart and leave you to watch as he goes after everyone you've ever loved as well. He just seems to have a calm feeling, but you know that vicious streak is ready to pop out at any time. This would diminish in throughout the serious, but more on that in later reviews.
Con
Look at that, must be hiding something No credits, can't find any
- It's a rare case of being a flawless movie for me. I have no real cons. Well, there is just one. They used Donald Trump's casino in Atlantic City, which means his name is in big letters at one point. Must say something about one's ego to do that, bless his wounded soul, always empty and never to quenched. Yet, in the great scheme of things, that's a small thing (in terms of mushroom and cons). Shame it's no longer there, I really could use something to piss on if I was in the neighbourhood. However, back to the movie and away from the Trump bashing, I have no major issues with this movie at all.
- Well, I guess if I had one, and it's truly minor, I don't get that much of a chemistry between George Clooney and Julia Roberts on this movie. Even when they get back together, there is a feeling of distance. But it's a minor thing, as they were on bad terms (the characters) in the movie, so that could play into it.
Final Verdict
This man has no decorum! Twice in the same movie, in jail in a tux! No credits, can't find any
Oceans Eleven is a beautiful remake, a fantastic film that takes the bases of the 1960s movie and takes it in a new direction. I didn't watch this until eight years after it had been released, as I had no real desire to view it. But when it was put on, I was transfixed by it, so much so that I purchased my own copies the very next day. From the opening parole scene to the final moment where they leave the prison with the car roof coming down, there is not a wasted moment or scene in this movie.
No-one over shadows anyone else in the movie, all of the characters are essential to the end result, so nothing is wasted or unanswered. If I was to compare it to another movie, I would compare it to Where Eagles Dare. Now, both of these are vastly different, one is this movie I'm reviewing, the other is a stunning War movie with Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood. But you have the slow build through the movie, something that is small and strange at the beginning of the film becomes important towards the end. I love that forward planning, it's what links these two movies together.
Yep, Rusty's shirt is awful! No credits, can't find any.
From beginning to end, Ocean's Eleven is one of those perfect gems, a star-studded behemoth which has never been equalled by its sequels or any other heist movie before or since. I'm still wondering how it was not a shoe in for award scene when it was released, Jim Broadbent won one in the year it would have been elligible! But, that is beside the point here, as it's a winner for me. The whole package is stunning, the visual imagery a treat for the eyes, a story that keep you entertained throughout. Watch this now, why have you not watched it, watched it this moment!
10 out of ten - silver screen perfection!
