Rise of the Titanic (1980)

Movie poster from The Movie Data Base,
all rights kept with the original sources

Plot

Look at that beard!  You know he's
a safe bet with that beard! No credits,
I can't find any

After an unnecessarily long intro montage of photos of the Titanic, the film starts with an American spy deep within Russian territory, looking for an abandoned mine.  The mine in question was dug to find a rare radioactive material called byzanium (side note - when looking at the link on Wikipedia for this mineral, it came up as unobtainium, cue Avatar jokes and wish I had chosen to review that one.  We're only five minutes in at this point, I fill like I've lived a decade with this as the background noise). He finds a man who has been frozen, with an inscription saying he was a US Army Sergeant.  Back in Washington, there is a lot of top Army & Navy brass who are getting "dramatic", worried about the American in the mine.  The main characters in this huddle of nerves are Admiral James Sandecker (Jason Robards) and scientist Gene Seagram (David Selby). Meanwhile, in Soviet Russia, Army shots you! That's right, our little miner is being shot and mauled by a Russian dog.  Just as well Dirk Pitt (Richard Jordan) who just happens to be passing.  He shots the Russian soldier, leaves the dog to starve and saves the American, because America!!!!  Poor miner, we don't even get to find out his name, probably Chad or Walter, they're strong names.  He's probably a Bob though, poor Bob.

Beard and the legend called
Sandecker!
No credits, can't find any

So, Dirk brings back nameless Bob home to America, instead of a hospital in Europe maybe, shouts at Admiral Sandecker and Gene that the man needs a hospital, just to prove he is a man who is against authority!  Turns out that Sandecker hired Dirk to pick up the miner, as he is a solider for hire, a man who can get things done.  Basically, the rugged American dream with a beard and shiny hair, you can smell the cologne and imagine the medallion now.  Anyway, he brings back man, then they all have a talk.  Turns out they were looking for the byzanium for a defence project called the Sicilian Project, which would shield America from nuclear attack using lasers.  Nothing else, just a shield, promise, this is not a bad thing, nope, nah-nah. (Spoiler - the dirty military have other schemes for it, imagine a man twirling his overlong moustache saying "ha, ha, ha").

Whilst researching the details of the sergeant that was found in the frozen mine, they discover that he had helped mine out all the byzanium from the mine, was chased by Russian's from the mine to Southampton, via Aberdeen in Scotland, and placed the mineral in a safety deposit box on the first ship heading to New York.  If you have not already guessed, that ship was the Titanic.  On the last transmission back to America, the agent says "thank god for Southby".  Because the byzanium is so rare (fictional even...sorry, this movie makes me angry), the choices that the team have to face are to find a new source of byzanium, which might never happen or get the only known deposit off the floor of the Atlantic Ocean.  They ponder this and decide, what the hell, let's just raise the Titanic.  Meanwhile, the Russians are trying to figure out why the Americans have been in their borders, what happened to the dog and what are they up to. 

This one of the only photos I can
find of Anne Archer in this movie.
That should tell you a lot.
No credits, can't find any

At this point, Gene meets up with his girlfriend Dana Archibald (Anne Archer), who just so happens to also be the ex of Dirk too.  She is a reporter at the Washington Post, a fact that will be important later.  Dirk, on the other hand, travels to Cornwall, to meet John Bigalow (Alec Guinness, hamming it up big style), the last man to see the agent who had place the byzannium (this word is getting tiresome to type out, same as the movie).  Bigalow talks about the agent forcing him to got to the vault whilst the ship was sinking, then patting the safe and saying "thank god for Southby" (see, repetition, it must be important.  Bigalow and Dirk head to Biogalow's pub, where he keeps his Titanic memorablia, takes down a flag and asks Dirk to place it back on the ship where they raise it. 

Using the last known radio co-ordinates of the US team commence their search of the ocean floor for the Titanic (as it was not discovered at the time), they send submarines down to explore for the lost ship.  One of the submarines gets into a bit of bother, radios for help from Manly Dirk, who loses the radio signal.  He sends another ship to the same depth (which is silly, at they might get in trouble too) and they watch the poor bastards explode under the intense pressures of the Ocean.  That's right, watch them go boom, but with water and a darkened screen.  All the while, you have John Barry's soundtrack in the background, sounding like some Bond off-casts to create the tension.  Dirk goes back to land and shouts at his colleges, then scientist Gene thinks they're looking in the wrong place and thinks they should be ten miles south.  Also on the ship, they notice that the radio waves on the ship go funny at the same time at night, just when a man goes to the side of the ship with a radio (spoiler - spy).

More dark and gloom shots of the sea crew in the darkness of the ocean, more John Barry music and then, they find a musical instrument.  This is big enough news for it to be sent to Washington, where they find out it was from one of the musicians who went down with the Titanic.  It's a small bit of good news, but they are still missing the giant ocean liner.  They keep on looking, and looking, and looking, and looking, then they discover a trench.  So, they quickly think it might be down there, hence why they've not been able to find her, a sneaky sunken ship that she is.  Incidentally, why do sailors call ships "she"?  Just an honest question, I have no idea why, I know I could search for it online, but stuck in the middle of reviewing this crud (spoiler - it's not good).

That is no boat.....
No credits, can't find any.

Also, the Russians are wanting to cause trouble.  They know about the byzanium, the Sicilian Project and that they are going to raise the Titanic.  This is due to the spy that they have onboard the American salvage team.  They decide that it is time to alter the press, using their contact at the Washington Post (bet you can't guess who that is going to be!!!!) and to see what the reaction of the US is to their clandestine plans being made public.  So, Scientist Gene is pissed at his girlfriend Dana for publishing the story (see, bet you....oh, you did see it coming.  Because you're not a child and this could have been written by the scriptwriters of Eastenders with more depth....OK, I will continue).  He is upset that she went with the story, even though he never tells her what his work is about.  She is upset that he is being a douche canoe and that he brings up bearded Dirk.  An argument at work occurs and she admits she lived with Dirk, Gene runs away in a huff and end scene.  On another side note, this is the end of the love-struck character arc, seems a bit wasted.

The American rush to hold a press conference, which is hosted by Admiral Sandecker, to confirm they are looking to raise the Titanic, how they are going to raise her (what with there being a big hole in the side), and then they end the press conference.  However, the press reporters continue to follow Sandecker out of the building, asking his further questions which he gives refuses to answer (What about byzanium? What is the Sicilian Project? Why is a man who played Al Capone in The St. Valentine's Day Massacre in this film?), all of which are waved away.  The scene then goes back to the salvage, with more failed Bond music and sweeping montage shots underwater, to show time is passing.  There is also a scene where the main characters are trying to figure out where the spy signal is coming from.  Lots of huffy, manly posing, no slamming though, which I was sort of expecting.  Then, Sandecker comes in with a report that one of the crew has connections to North Korea, which abruptly ends that part of the tale.

These lucky bastards managed to leave
the movie early!  I had to sit through
the lot!
No credits, can't find any

With that out of the way, the crew begins to place the floating devices and bombs onto the Titanic, to bring her up to the surface.  Scientist Gene goes along in one of the subs, for reasons.  You know, it seems as if more drama is about to occur.  And by poor forgotten miner Bob, shenanigans occur as his sub get stuck into the roof of the Titanic, which trying to add a floatation device.  The irony is magic ladies and gentlemen, just sheer Hollyweird magic.  Handsome Dirk smacks his hand when he finds out about this, probably causing slight bruising.  This is never confirmed, but smacking your hand down usually causes pain, unless you're a wrestler.  At this point, the crew is drowning, with battery acid flooding into the cockpit and trouble brewing.  A big meeting happens where Dirk tells the Army and Navy chiefs that the Titanic is coming up earlier than planned, to save the four lives in the stricken sub.  At the risk of sounding cynical, I think Dirk would be removed and lose his beard privleges at this point in real life.  Then again, this is a film about raising the Titanic to stop nuclear war, so what would I know.

Next, we have a montage of the depth charges being set up, the crew in the submarine being told to save oxygen and John Barry causing you to dream about watching a film with Roger Moore.  This leads to more drama and shots of lovely models (the submarine type, not the glamour type) getting ready to blow things up.  They do this slowly, rocking the sunken vessel like it's a car stuck in the mud, which sure as a bear is having a shit in the woods, causes the Titanic to rise out of the water, saving the four-man crew in the submarine too.  They should have known they'd be saved, they had one of the main cast members on the ship and this is not the recent version of Battlestar Galactica, when everyone dies who you think is going to be important.  When the ship comes to the surface, John Barry turns up the music once more.  It had been silent before when the drama was building, I think I preferred it that way. 

At least it looks good coming out of the
water!
No credits, can't find any!

Dirk is then allowed to be the first person to walk around the Titanic, which he does all alone.  No other army officials or scientists, just him looking at the rotten ship.  He then finds the flag pole and keeps his promise to John Bigalow, raising the standard of the White Star Liner company.  The effects have dated for this scene, but I get the significance of it.  We then cut to a Russian ship where Captain Andre Prevlov (Bo Brudin (the man who gave the all-clear for the news story to be leaked earlier in the film) arrives, heading towards the raised vessel with haste.  Sandecker, Scientist Gene and Dirk the '80s guy are walking around the Titanic, quietly looking for the byzanium. 

Meanwhile, the Russians cause the American support ship to go to a fake distress signal, so they can send Prevlov to the Titanic.  He comes onboard, stakes claim to the ship, as well as the byzanium and threaten to blow them all up if they do not agree to his blackmail.  This is the usual "bad Russian "we arm ourselves for peace"" dialogue that you come to expect.  But, the American's were too "smart" for this, they knew what was coming and arranged for a submarine of their own, one with missile capabilities to show up.  The Russians, knowing they beat, run away with their tail between their legs, more flag-waving, America RULEZ!!!! With a Z, to prove how much they rules/zs.....

So, you can't find Linda either?
No credits, can't find any!

Once the Russians have left, two small tug boats start to drag the Titanic back to New York, not even montage style, as that would have taken too long and the film is almost over (hurray).  The is greeted with open arms, flag-waving, John Barry spunking over the trumpets, horns, the works!  It also looks at one point as if the Goodyear blimp was going to dive-bomb it, there is a joke there, but I'm not going to make it.  Not about New York, no....bad you for making it yourself.  Scientist Gene and Dirk the caveman open the cargo hold where the byzanium is supposed to be kept, together with the corpse of the spy.  The generals move the boxes (no soldiers to help them, sounds suspicious), they open the boxes and they are filled with gravel.  This leaves the Generals, Scientist Gene and Dirk the bad Dad looking sad.

Scientist Gene, Sandecker and Dirk the Beard model are all licking their collective egos when Sandecker reveals that he thought that if they had have found the byzanium, he didn't think that the military would allow it to only be used for a shield project.  This upsets Scientist Gene,  who was naive and asks Sandecker why.  Sandecker admits, if a bomb was to be made out of byzanium, he wanted it to be a red, white and blue American bomb! YEAH! FUCK THE WORLD! And people wonder why the world is in the place it is in....Anyway, Gene gets in a bigger huff, says if he'd known that the military might have military thoughts towards his defence system, that he would not have gone after the byzanium in the first place.  Cue angry drinking of water, scientists know the value of rehydration.

Fight over a girl, then forget the girl and
go to Cornwall.  Yeah, that seems right!
No credits, can't find any

Dirk has been sitting there, stroking his beard, when he gets up and says that this is not over, handing Gene a postcard from the corpse.  The postcard is of a church in a place called Southby, see - I told you that would be significant!  They go there together, sans military bad guys, and find the grave of Jack Hobart.  One Geiger counter reading around the grave, the needle goes through the roof.  So, the American spy had left the byzanium in the ground, where it could pollute the local residents and cause an international incident.  Silly man that he is, trying to hide something and be clear, silly man.  Anyway, back to the movie.  The gravediggers come along, but Dirk halts them, with a wave of his hand and beard power.  He says that it is up to Scientist Gene if they should dig up the polluting material, or leave it where it is and cause thousands locally to grow extra limbs (I might be ab-libbing at this point, but I need some sort of joy here).  Scientist Gene waves them away too, deciding that the world is a safer place without the byzanium.  The boys walk away and joke about a girl, say manly things and then we see the Titanic raise again, cause it was so realistic the first time. End movie.

A more concise and clear version of the plot can be found on Wikipedia here.

Pros

Everyone loves a model!
No credits, can't find any!

+ The model work on the submarines is really effective.  I know we live in an age where CGI is king, but I do love a good model.  It's what helped Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and other movie gain a foothold in my mind.  So, I applaud them for most of the models, apart from the one of the ships on the surface, that one is shoddy at best.

+ Jason Robards was a legend, I love his work and he is a shining light here, in a dark and dank script.

+ Alec Guinness is hamming it up so much here, he cannot help but play himself at this point.  Yes, you find it hard to believe that someone with his accent was ever a lowly member of a ship's crew, but you know, it's Alec Guinness.  The man is a legend and he must have been doing this as a favour. Even so, I have some cons about this too, which you will see below.

+ Spending the best part of this review trying to think up of silly ways to talk about '80s man beard, it was just too much for me and I had a blast doing that.  The fact Richard Jordan would end up in The Hunt for Red October is a no-brainer.  He is another wasted in this movie, even with his '80s facial attire.

Cons

Look at the beard, so '80s!
No credits, can't find any!

- Some of the cast are wasted here.  Jason Robard and Alec Guinness are two treasures in my eyes, both of them are doing their respective bests (or hammy phoning) in this, but you can only polish a turd so much before you are covered in shit.

- I spent the whole movie thinking that the music sounds like a bad James Bond soundtrack, this is because it was created by famed Bond Movie soundtrack guru, John Barry.  I know that music can be used to cause drama and a tense atmosphere, but mostly it distracted me.  This is also by a happy coincidence a Pro, as it distracts you from the god awful movie you are watching.  Sorry, spoiler alert, this is trash.  I know a lot of people say it's the best part of the movie, but I found it to be too overpowering.  It's like adding garlic to chocolate ice cream.  You might like both, but one is going to overpower the other, cause you to regret every choice you've made in life up to that point.

- The love interest story was here, why, just why?  That could have been anything else, but it's just left there.  I feel it's an insult to the actors and actress involved that it was even placed in this movie.

- When this script was reviewed by the American Navy, Admiral David Cooney, Chief of Information for the Navy, demanded the script be rewritten to make the American's look better, as the Russian's looked too smart in the original.  Why this was being run past the military, I have no idea, everyone looks dumb in it.

- The model of the Titanic that was used in this film famously cost $7million to make, which is roughly the same it made in the box office.  It was not money well spent on that model, it is the only one which doesn't work for me.

- So back to Alec Guinness, who clearly could not give a fuck for the five minutes he was on screen.  Why did he have a credit, did he need it? Not for that role, it was over within minutes!  I love the work of this man, but this is not one of his better performances.  It's great to see him on screen, but by Judas is he wrongly cast.

Final verdict

Look, models!
No credits, can't find any!

Rise of the Titanic is a god-damn awful film, part drama, part thriller, all of nothing.  It tries to build on cold war tensions, but it does not achieve this, due to four things.  One - it tries to make the American forces look smart and stupid at the same time, as they cannot figure out what the beard caveman figured out in two seconds near the end.  Two - the sheer amount of dull scenes was breathtaking.  I know that you're going to be hard pushed to create drama in a submarine, but if Sean Connery can do it as a Russian with a strong Scottish Accent, they could have too!  Three - the supposed swerve of the military having secret bomb aspirations was not a surprise, not at all.  In fact, it was telegraphed as big as the Goodyear Blimp (stop making that joke, you are bad people). And finally, four - the oversaturation of John Barry was a bless and bane to this film in equal measure. 

To be fair, there were some plus points.  It's always a pleasure to see Jason Robards in a movie, I truly loved his performance in St. Valentine's Day Massacre.  He is one of the few people who gives his character some depth.  Anne Archer is trapped in a one-dimension role, and she is also the only lady with significate screen time.  Another curse of the '80s movie here, it's a regular sausage party of white males.  The diversity here is of the age as well, which makes me roll my eyes too.  This film was a staple of the '80s TV schedule, as it tried to make up some of its $40 million budget!  This is a staggering figure, which is why this is one of the most famous flops in film history.  It's also a bit of an easy target, one which is too easy to bitch on.  But never the less, it's an awful film.  I'd rather watch Attack of the Clones and the 2008 version of Journey to the Center of the Earth back to back, A Clockwork Orange style.  These are two of the biggest crimes against cinema, and I would weep happily into my sleep watching these, then watch this sunken turd ever again,

2 out of ten - All marks are for the performance of Jason Robards