Alternative art poster by Travis English, originally poster on Alternative Movie Posters.
Check out the rest of Travis's work here!
Plot
The Trade Federation Droid command ship
Really easy to sneak past apparently.
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Two Jedi's arrive at a blockage by the "no-we're-not-being-racists-here" Trade Federation orbiting the planet of Naboo, who've been dispatched to end the stalemate by Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum (Terence Stamp), leader of the Republic. The Jedi's are Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson) and his apprentice, Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor). The Trade Federation has caused this blockage on the orders of the shadowy Darth Sidious, the secret benefactor behind this organisation, Sith master and an all-round bad egg. He orders the Jedi to be destroyed and for the planned invasion of Naboo to commence. The Jedi easily despatch of the Droids assassins, then they head to the planet surface aboard separate invasion drones.
So, we had a few drinks and then....shots!
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Once on the surface of Naboo, Qui-Gon Jinn saves a local called Jar-Jar Binks (Ahmed Best), a native from the Gungan race of the planet (the humanoids are called the Naboo's). At the introduction of this character, a thousand geeks cry out in pain and anguish when he arrives on the screen, but I will get to that later. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon convince Jar Jar to take them to the Gungan city, which is under a massive lake/ocean. In case you haven't watched it, the Jedi use handy snorkels that they have in their robes, handy that! It turns out the Jar Jar is a wanted man back home, and not in a good way. In their audience with Boss Nass (Brian Blessed), the Jedi try to persued the Gungan leader to assist with the defence of the planet above. Nass declines, then he focuses his sights on Binks. But Jinn steps in, claiming as he'd saved Jar Jar's life, Binks owes him a life debt. Because of this, they take Binks to be a guide so they can sneak into the Royal Palace of the Naboo.
Underwater burrito!
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After a by the beat ride through the water-logged tunnels with MONSTERS, the Jedi infiltrate the palace to rescue the leader of Naboo, Queen Padmé Amidala (Natalie Portman). The Jedi confirm that the negotiations did not happen and it would be better if the Queen went with them to Coruscant, the home planet of The Republic. Queen Amidala is reluctant to leave her people (or "spoiler" her body-double Sabé, played by Keira Knightley), but after encouragement from a nameless handmade (Padmé), she decides to go with the Jedi. Cue more violence against Droids (roger, roger), Jar Jar slapstick, lots of running, lasers (pew-pew) and the inevitable introduction of R2-D2 (Kenny Baker), the gang escape, but have to land on Tatooine to repair their ship. Cue side sweep to the next paragraph!
One of Lucas's biggest mistakes is the way
he asked for these characters to be portrayed
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Back to the Naboo, the racial stereotype Trade Federation have taken over the planet in all but name, they just need Queen Amidala to sign a document which would make the invasion league, so they make a beaten man with a beard send out space messages to the Queen's vessel, pleading for her to return (which would be a bad idea). On Tatooine, Qui-Gon, R2-D2, Jar Jar and a disguised Padmé go looking for hyperdrive parts in Mos Espa. They stumble upon Anikan Skywalker (Jake Lloyd), a slave to junk trader/black market bookie Wattoo (Andy Secombe). After Qui-Gon's Jedi tricks fail to win the hyperdrive parts from the street part Wattoo, Anikan offers the gang sanctuary from an oncoming sandstorm. Whilst there, Qui-Gon askes Anikan's mother, Shmi (Pernilla August) about Anikin's upbringing, where Shmi confesses he was a virgin birth (spooky music, off-camera staring, side sweep to next paragraph). In the meantime, Darth Sidious has confirmed he's sending his apprentice to hunt for Queen Amidala.
Are you Linda?
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Whilst awaiting the storm to die down, as well as trying to figure out what to do next, Qui-Gon takes a sample of Anikan's blood (Ewwww) and forwards it on to Obi-Wan. On analysis of this sample, they find it's full of midi-chlorians, a small being which lives within everyone and gives people their connection to the force. This, as well as "feelings", convince Qui-Gon that Anikan is the prophecied person who will bring balance to the force. To this end, he proposes a wager to Wattoo, for the parts and Anakin, he would gamble the ship and its crew. He also tries to add Shmi to this, but Wattoo only agrees to Anikan and the parts. To win this wager, all Anakin has to do is win a pod-race around the desert, something he's never done. Uncover Padmé, who is having to avoid a loved-up Anikan at this point, tell Qui-Gon the Queen would not be happy with this, Qui-Gon dismisses this. Oh, how Lucas must have laughed long into the night writing that scene. Oh, and Anikan is the creator of C-3PO (Anthony Daniels), who has not shiny metalwork, it's rather creepy.
This film contains hardcore robot
nudity!
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The pod-race comes, drama and shenanigans, Anikan wins to the surprise of no-one watching this. Qui-Gon tells Anikan he is free, and that he will be training him as well. This news is off-set when Anikan is given the news that Shim is Wattoo's slave. But hey, this is Star Wars, cue dramatic music and lots of John Williams. Also, Anakin leaves C-3PO behind, no loyalty there from the future Darth Vader (sorry, should have put a spoiler alter up there, oh well). Sending the parts ahead to fix the ship, the crew run towards the ship, only to be intercepted by Darth Maul (performed by Ray Park, voiced by Peter Serafinowicz, who also voiced the Droids)! Maul and Qui-Gon engage in their first lightsaber duel, allowing everyone else to run to safety. The fight is not long, as Qui-Gon jumps on the ship as it flies part, leaving Maul fuming in the desert. This gives the audience a little flavour of the inventible light-tube barney that is going to occur later in the film. In space, Anikan and a still disguised Padmé bond over the fact that space is cold. Love has to start somewhere I suppose, downwards sweep as they approach Coruscant.
Look, Easter Egg right there!
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They are met by Senator Palpatine (Ian McDiarmid), the Naboo representative in Coruscant, who looks suspiciously like a certain Darth Sidious. But no, they can't be the same person, they've not been seen in the same room, even at big parties. Obviously, I'm talking bollocks there, but this is a George Lucas script, so people are stupid in this film, what ya gonna do!!!! Anyway, Palpatine admits that the Trader Federation will block their attempts at ending the blockade with political shenanigans, which plays out in the Senate after a passionate speech (to a certain point of view - see what I did there) by Queen Amidala. Feeling naturally aggrieved with Palpatine sewing the seeds of his ascension, Padmé causes a vote of no-confidence in Supreme Chancellor Finis Valorum. In this scene, there is an easter egg of ET's, blink and you'll miss them. Whilst this is happening, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Anakin go to the Jedi Council. They report what happened on Naboo, the revelation of Darth Maul, with Qui-Gon ending the report with his new Messiah revelation. Yoda (Frank Oz) and Mace Windu (Samuel L. Jackson, with no swearing ladies and gentlemen!) say they will test Anakin, to see if Qui-Gon's hunch is true. After quizzing and making Anakin angry (talking about his Mom, no-one should talk about his Mom), the Council say that Anakin is not to be trained as a Jedi Knight, even with his obvious potential.
So, have any of you seen Linda?
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Qui-Gon, more than a little pissed at this news, says he will teach Anakin anyway, but he is assigned with his existing apprentice Obi-Wan to return with Queen Amidala to Naboo, as well as investigate the return of the Sith Darth Maul (as Sith's always work in two's). They manage to avoid the blockade (so what use is it!!!!!), head to the swamp/lake/ocean and look for the Gungans, to appeal for their help once more. Jar Jar Binks goes first, returning empty-handed as Gungan City is empty. Going to The Sacred Place, to try and persuade the Gungans to join the fight, Padmé reveals the "twin" bodyguard magic, bowing to the Gungans, who agree to join the fight. They also make Jar Jar a general at this point, which makes the billion's of Geeks scream out in pain once more, the things that Lucas would do, silly man.
Seriously, love this moment!
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Things come to a head, with the Gungans fighting the Droid army of the Trade Federation, and the Jedi with a small team of Naboo natives would assault the palace, hoping to draw out the Sith. Cue comedy high-jinx from Jar Jar on the battlefield, many droids and Gungans being destroyed/killed, the Naboo delegation taking the palace back with some twin/bodyguard magic from Padmé and Sabé, with a space fight around the Trade Federation blockade. In the fighting in the palace, Anakin and R2-D2 end up in a spaceship, which autopilots into the middle of the fight. Yeah, that seems logical I hear you all saying. The Jedi then find Darth Maul, leading to the best lightsaber fight of the entire series! That's right, I said it and it's the hill I'm prepared to perish on, the Darth Maul Vs Jinn & Kenobi is the best strip light barney of the saga. I could write a blow by blow rendition of the fight, but that would be another fifteen paragraphs here, we don't have all day!
They must be hiding Linda, we'll never stop looking!
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So, lots of fighting going on, lots of cut scenes to different parts of the barneys, all edited to within an inch of their lives, but pleasing no-one but Lucas. All hope is lost when Qui-Gon Jinn is killed by Darth Maul, whilst Obi-Wan looks on in horror whilst trapped behind an energy field. The Gungans are overrun by the superior technology of the Droids (take that Ewok-theory), people are crying. But the small, pudding bowl hair cut Anakin and R2-D2 somehow manage to crash into the space hangar on the Trade Federation ship, accidentally blow it up, which turns the droid army off. You see, the Trade Federation should have brought some batteries. This causes defeat for the Trade Federation (not a racist stereotype, we believe you Lucas (that last sentence contains sarcasm if you didn't notice)). In the meantime, Obi-Wan has been glaring moodily at Darth Maul, who in turn has been pacing like a caged animal. The energy field is removed, the fight continues and Obi-Wan falls down a hole. Silly Jedi, but never fear, he uses his Jedi magic to reach his lightsaber, jumps out of the hole, and clefts Darth Maul in twain (breaking my heart)! After this, Obi-wan rushes to his fallen master Qui-Gon Jinn, trying to will him to live, but it's too late for O-G at this point. Kenobi makes a death promises to train Anakin, so Qui-Gon can die in peace.
Look at my glittery salty ball!
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Before the funeral of Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan and Yoda have a discussion and Yoda reluctantly agrees that Anakin can be trained by Kenobi. He's a very contrary being, must be all that Red Bull he obviously is drinking. Senator Palpatine returns to Naboo, fresh from winning the Supreme Chancellorship on Coruscant, where he promises to do his duty. He also purposely goes up to Anakin, says he'll be following his career with interest. Again, no-one thought he was a bad-egg at this point, but the clues were there. Yoda and Mace Windu discuss the Sith at the funeral pyre of Qui-Gon Jinn, repeating the "two Sith" theory, whilst the camera slowly pans to Palpatine. After this, there is a big street party, lots of smiling, Anakin gets a worse haircut (if that was possible), Padmé gives Boss Nass a big disco ball (sadly there is no real Star Wars Disco here, that would have been amazing), double swipe and roll the credits. I bet you have the theme song stuck in your head as you read this, that is because we're all conditioned. They Live was right!!!!! Damn you George Lucas, damn you to hell!!!!
You can find a more concise version of the plot on Wikipedia here.
Pros
I don't know where you are....
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+ After the lacklustre Return of the Jedi (spoiler, I might not be a fan of that movie, but I will get to that one in a bit, got the rest of the movies in between to go), it was nice to have a Star Wars film again. It did not have Ewoks for starters, there are a few familiar faces, a few plot holes backfilled in a sort of a messy bow. I will address this later too in the cons and final verdict.
+ Liam Neeson is a little gem in this, who knew that one of the Jedi's would have such a strong Irish accent, top draw channelling of the not-yet-dead-as-of-writing Sean Connery and his Scottish accent there Liam. Please don't hunt me down, this is a complement...hang on, there is a knock at the door....I'm ignoring it.
+ That lightsaber battle between Darth Maul/Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi is the fight against which all other lightsaber duels should be judged. It's a flawless battle, full of drama, deaths and tension. The moment when Darth Maul light the second lightsaber is still one of those cinematic moments where I get lost in the story for a few seconds. Pure cinema magic, I think it was a lucky accident.
You know what they call a Cheeseburger in France?
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+ The amount of top draw actors in this film is staggering. Terence Stamp, Brian Blessed, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson. Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman and all were not your average Star Wars castings in the day. The first films only had Alec Guinness, the legend that is Peter Cushing (miss you everyday Cush) and that guy from Boon as major stars. The rest were relative unknowns who would gain their reputations of those first three Star Wars films. This sort of cast should have on paper, made this a must-see movie, even if it were not a Star Wars film.
+ I have to give a nod to Ian McDiarmid here, who was brilliant as the manipulating Palpatine. He stole the scene whenever he was on the screen, just with his corruptive atmosphere. The hints that he was Darth Sidious were a little too heavy for my tastes, but the overall performance here was spot on.
We'll find Linda, roger-roger!
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+ I know the special effects rely far too much on CGI, but I have a soft spot for the Droid army. They said "roger, roger" all the time, they were easily confused and they sold a hit like The Rock would take a Stone Cold Stunner in the WWE. You didn't need any backstory for these, they were the very definition of cannon fodder.
+ The easter egg of the ET creatures made me laugh out loud when I first saw it at the pictures. It still makes me happy to this day. It's not a big Pro, but I do enjoy things like this. For further reference, C-3PO & R2-D2 appear in a section of hieroglyphics in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Cons
So, you want to cut me out of the franchise Lucas.....
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- George Lucas should never be allowed to write a script or direct a full film of Star Wars on his own ever again. This will be the first con on Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith too, as he needs to be controlled when it comes to his own work. Yes, he was the brains behind the original idea of Star Wars, but he's too close to the product, he can't write dialogue for toffee, his direction in smaller scenes is awful, whilst he is trying to back-tell his own space soap opera. He's very good at doing a big battle scene, I'll give him that. But even then, he almost ruined it by the comedy and clunky dialogue that he thinks is relevant. The fact that Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg and Robert Zemeckis all turned down the movie and persued Lucas to do it himself, prove that one - don't listen to your friends and two - they were all smart enough to pass the buck here.
- Midi-chlorians, enough said. It's like "younglings", just nonsense.
Poor kid, I really feel for him.
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- Now, I feel bad for adding this following one in the cons, but we have to discuss the casting of Anakin Skywalker. Now, Jake Lloyd got a lot of stick for his performance here, saying as he was playing the junior version of one of the biggest bad-asses in the Star Wars universe. But let's look at it properly. At the time of filming (which was 1997), Jake Lloyd was eight years old. Now, I can bet my last penny that most of the work that everyone reading this was doing when they were eight, is horse shit and we're secretly glad it's not in the public eye. Jake Lloyd does not have that luxury, he was an actor, delivering the requested performance by a poor director to the best of his abilities. At that age, you can only do what you're asked, so with this in mind, I give him a bit of a pass here. Yes, it was not a commanding performance. But he was only doing as he was directed, which means all his faults must be blamed on the director, which is one George Lucas.
- How in the blue hell did The Trade Federation not get the people at 20th Century Fox worried about the blatant racism on show here? I mean, what the fuck! What the actual fuck was Lucas thinking on this one? That no-one would mind or notice, that it was a happy coincidence that they sounded of Asian decent? I'm still shaking my head at this one, it's one of the most insensitive parts of this movie, it's right at the beginning, shame on you Lucas, shame on you.
- Glittery balls, just why. I mean it just made me shake my head.
Honestly, how could they not tell he
was the bad guy!!!!
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- Whilst the (spoiler - supposed) death of Darth Maul here was dramatic, it killed off (spoiler - at the time) one of the most hyped aspects of this movie. Darth Maul, with that striking look, was one of the biggest images of The Phantom Menace. He was silent for the most part (with his voice being provided by the delightful Peter Serafinowicz, check out the TV series Look Around You), looked like a real game-changer a-la Boba Fett before Lucas got cold feet there, and like the Fett, took an early shower from the series. How this character was written off for the rest of the main saga is a mystery, as he was a brilliant creation.
- The shadowing of Palpatine as the Emperor was OTT, we did not need John Williams doing the oh-not-so-subtle-musical indications each time he was on screen. Ian McDiarmid, who as previously stated was great here, did that all on his own, he's that damn good at the role!
Twin magic!
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- C-3PO being made by Anakin was a cop-out! I mean, it was a joke and a half that one! A slave would be able to build a robot in his spare time at 8 years old, please! I was still playing with my plastic soldiers at that point, also wondering why I saw the colour red as brown too.
- Still upset by the glittery balls, it might take some time to get over it.
- If we're being picky, and this is being picky. The twin magic trick they tried to play here was not believable. There was a story that people thought they were twins in real life, but I don't buy it. I mean, the voice changed each time, their faces are different! I know I'm supposed to be suspending my disbelief, but they could have cast someone, with a twin!
Final Verdict
Fight forever! (clap, clap, clap)
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Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace is a difficult movie for a lot of people. It is the genesis of the "get Lucas away from his creation" movement, one which gained more traction as the prequels went on. Whilst Star Wars can never be seen as Shakespeare, or even a Quentin Tarantino script (although I'm now thinking about a Tarrantino Star Wars, it would be better than Star Trek), but at least someone was there to wrestle the script away from Lucas after the first one, to give the script life after it was written by a man who stayed too long at his own party. The thing Lucas needed here, was someone to take his vision, take his idea, as he is good at the big picture and put it on screen. I have to admit in the bigger moments here, which were not affected by stupid dialogue, The Phantom Menace is an on-pair Star Wars movie. The pod-race (if you watched it without that two-headed commentator creature) is rather good. The space fight (without Anakin doing what Lucas asked) is decent. The lightsaber duel though, that is a thing of beauty. That right there ladies and gentlemen, is what saves this movie, stopping it from being a complete dud.
I truly feel sorry for Jake Lloyd, he was damn for giving a performance that the director had felt was fit for the big screen. The poor lad did not have a chance, imagine the pressure on him, that poor child was not helped by Lucas, which is one of his worst moments in the history of the whole franchise. Lucas failed to deliver in terms of believable dialogue, failed to give clear instruction to the most important character of the movie (think about it, he becomes Darth Vader, he didn't have to be a moody bad-ass, but he needed to have the rough edges of his performance ironed out), failed to deliver on the hype that surrounded the movie upon its release. His friends had pursued him to do this on his own, they persuaded him to fail. Star Wars has always worked best when Lucas gives input, but someone else is at the steering wheel. The Phantom Menace is exhibited A in this argument.
Turns out, he's not the worst thing in
this movie.
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Now, I know that some of you would have noticed a certain character is missing from the cons list (he's also missing from the pros list too). Yes, I'm talking about the Jar Jar in the room. Mr Binks and his comedy hijinx! Well, if you're looking for more Jar Jar bashing, you have come to the wrong place. I had no real strong feelings towards the character when he came out, but over the years I find myself more on the side of liking him. I take a weird pleasure in announcing I have no issue with Jar Jar Binks here. This is for a few reasons. One - Ahmed Best can only give the performance that he is asked to do by the director. Therefore, all of Jar Jar's comedy (which did make me laugh once or twice) must fall at the feet of Lucas. Two - Jar Jar was a character that was aimed at the kids. The comedy is slapstick and done well, albeit in the wrong type of movie. He is being set up for his position of idiot who crowns the king later on. Three - He is also a toy-making character. Think about how Ewoks were aimed at the Generation X kids, there is a similar feeling. But without the murder bear thing, never understood why people thought Ewoks were cute. They were going to eat Luke, Han and Chewbacca! Four - He's not the worst character here, I think that honour falls to the Trade Federation. Even if it's by a racist coincidence, they are so fucking insensitive. No debate to be had, they are tonally racist and therefore, the worst things here. And finally, five - I will never get tired of seeing people of my age going into a raging storm when you even post a picture of this character. You should try it as a game, especially to my mate David. He got so sick of it, he left Facebook. He still gets picture messages though, there is no hiding from.....HIM! Viva la Jar Jar, you strange monster of the Gen X Generation!
Phew, phew!
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With all of that being said, this is not the worst film in the Skywalker Saga. Not even the worst film in the prequels. Sure, Lucas is a little bit too simple in his storytelling, makes inadvertent racist characters, got the casting wrong in places and can't do dialogue for toffee, but I still find it watchable in places. It's artificially high on my list due to that lightsaber battle, a thing of beauty that it is. I feel that The Phantom Menace could have been a decent movie if it were in the hand of another director who would have equal script control with Lucas. As I said earlier, Lucas is good at the big picture. He's just shit at the important parts, like getting a believable performance out of his actors. You can't unmake this movie, so we need to get over it. That same sentiment goes for anyone who is bitching about the last three movies, they are not going to be unmade any time soon, move along. So, The Phantom Menace! Few good sequences, lots of bad direction, what a brilliant lightsaber battle.
5 out of ten - A brilliant lightsaber battle saves this from a lower mark
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