Who goes to jail in a tux, I mean real!!! No credits, can't find any
Conman and trickster Danny Ocean (George Clooney) is released from prison on parole, wasting no time in tracking down his partner-in-crime Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt), with a little help from con man & card dealer Frank Catton (Bernie Mac). Danny finds Rusty bored and depressed in Los Angeles, teaching celebrities how to play poker, but they're really bad at it. Danny and Rusty pull an instant con on them, splitting the money and walking off into the night. In a late-night grill, Danny proposes a heist to Rusty, hitting three casinos in one night: the Bellagio, the Mirage, and the MGM Grand. All these buildings are owned by on Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia), who is famous for being ruthless when it comes to his properties.
You see, someone who dresses worse than me! No credits, can't find any.
They approach Reuben Tishkoff (Elliott Gould), an ex-casino owner whose previous casino is being demolished, all at the hands of Benedict in a power move (you see, Benedict is not a nice man, uses too much hair gel to be a good guy). Seeing the change at revenge, as well as the change to wear some awful glasses, Reuben decides to finance the operation. With the money sorted, they went hunting for colleagues.
To help them with their grand scheme, they recruited Frank Cotton, tech expert & walking nervous wreck Livingston Dell (Eddie Jemison), explosive guru Basher Tarr (Don Cheadle, with an OTT cockney accent, somehow still better than Damon Alburn's real-life accent), elderly con man Saul Bloom (Carl Reiner - rest in peace you comedy genius), mechanics and constantly fighting brothers Virgil & Turk Malloy (Casey Affleck & Scott Caan), greasy man/acrobat "The Amazing" Yen (Qin Shaobo), and finally, pickpocket Linus Caldwell (Matt Damon), who was recommended to Danny by Linus father.
Rusty & Saul at the races, God bless you Carl Renier RIP No credits, couldn't find any
The gang have a meeting at Reuben's house, where they are shown all the things they have to overcome for the heist to succeed. On the night that they are planning to rob the vault of these casinos, a major fight between Lennox Lewis & Wladimir Klitschko (playing themselves), the Nevada gaming commission insists that the vault has to have enough cash on hand to cover all their patrons' bets. On that night, they will need to have at the very minimum, $150,000,000 without breaking a sweat. Not going to lie, I would be swayed too, but I've got no skills for such a job, probably just as well. Then again, I am very good at talking bullshit about movies and music, maybe there is a place for me. Fingers crossed!!!!
Everybody wants her, but nobody knows her!!! - No credits, can't find any
Over the next week and a bit, the crew build a replica of the casino in a warehouse, to go over the job, as well as carry out surveillance in the hotels, so they can figure out how to get in and out, the pathways of the security, etc. Linus is given the job of tailing Terry Benedict, which he does admirably. When Rusty is with him, to see how he is doing, he sees Benedict's girlfriend, Tess (Julia Roberts). Who just so happens to be the ex-wife of Danny Ocean. Yes, you guessed it, Danny has an ulterior motive, who'd have thought that these two things would dovetail together!!!!
Rusty, obviously rather pissed off that Danny had kept this discovery from the team, has a little verbal barney with Danny. Danny admits that it's both he is after, giving Rusty the power to pull Danny out of the team if it was to the determent of the job. This is an important detail for later, more about that soon. Meanwhile, Reuben's old casino is demolished which knocks out the power to Las Vegas, causing problems for Basher. This is due to the authorities finding an issue with their utilities, something that Basher was going to exploit, but this was not now possible. He talks to the crew and they go to steal a pinch (an electromagnetic device which can knock out the electronics off a large area, but without causing permanent damage). In this little heist, Linus and Danny get into a shouting match after Linus didn't follow instructions, Lin damages his hand as it's trapped in a door and there's a big cloud of negativity hanging over the group.
Damn you Linus, we could have made it home in time for Letterman! No credits, can't find any.
Then, things get worse for Danny, a lot worse. As the group had managed to piggyback onto Benedict's security network, they found that Danny had been "Red Flagged", which meant that security would be watching him like a hawk. This had come about as he had met with Tess (who was not pleased to see him), Benedict had turned up, was overly cordial and firm with Ocean, hinting that he did not expect to see him again. Linus who was still pissed off from having his ass torn open by Danny, dropped him in it, as he'd been tailing Danny too, as he was tailing Benedict. Rusty upon hearing all of this, kicked Danny out of the heist, pointing out that Danny had said that no-one was bigger than the job. Remember the earlier conversation, it'll become important again, trust me....secrets!
With Danny out of the group and d-day approaching, Linus has to take Danny's role in the heist, playing a Nevada State Gaming Agent. Saul has been staying in the hotel as a rich weapon's seller, who asks Benedict if he can place some jewels in the vault and everyone is going through their parts and getting ready. They keep focusing on different pieces of furniture, cars and they keep looping into each other. It's rather fun to see how some of these things become important later, but back to the plot!
What you don't know, is that Saul and Terry are looking for Linda. They're both huge fans of Hue & Cry! No credits, can't find any.
Fight night has arrived, Saul has arranged for his package to be delivered, which Benedict will let him view going to the vault from the security centre, as he smells something doggy with Saul. See, the villain cannot be totally fooled, he knows there's something fishy going on. When Benedict is going through the casino, he spots Danny on the casino floor. Danny quickly catches up with Tess to say goodbye and is then confronted by two bouncers. These men have been tasked by Benedict to take Ocean to a room in the back, a room without cameras. Whilst in there, the security step out as a big, tattooed bouncer comes in. The bouncer punches Danny, but he is told off by Danny, he tells him he's supposed to hit him after the heist! See, he's still involved. Maybe I should have written "spoiler" before that...Oh well, too late now (plus this movie is really old, you should have seen it by now). The bouncer, named Bulldog (played by Scott L. Schwartz, who also appears in first three Ocean films) is actually a gentle guy, which is rather sweet. But yeah, he does punch people for a living, so you know, you can never judge a book by its cover. However, he helps Danny into the ventilation system, this is important for later.
Who is the player, place your bets!!! No credits, can't find any
The plan is now live, Linus interrupts Benedict to take Frank Cotton to the back, exposing him as working under an alias. This is all to get the security codes for the lift out of Benedicts pocket, which is done via a pick-pocket/misdirection moment (this is known as a Jim Browm, the cons are all given little names, so of cute and make you spend far too much time looking for them on the internet, which makes to police knock on your door.....so I've been told). As Linus makes his way to the lift, the security team can see this and are about to send goons to stop him, but Saul (who is still in the security room, watching his package) fakes a heart attack. This gives Livingston the chance to change to security feed to a loop of an empty elevator. When Linus is in the lift and opens the top, Danny is there waiting for him, having been waiting for him since being helped by Bulldog earlier on. See, told you it was important. Linus realises that Danny had wanted Linus to catch him following Tess, as this was part of the secret sub-plan all along. In the meantime, Rusty, Virgil & Turk dress up as a medical team to take out Saul from the security room, hamming it up with some really bad acting.
At this point, Benedict and Tess (with Reuben in the background to give him an alibi) are at the boxing match. Yen is already in the vault, having been smuggled in a deposit box, and is placing the jewels in Saul's case on the door, as they're explosive (what a shock). As the fight is about to go off, Danny and Linus are hanging under the lift, awaiting the signal to drop. They can't go straight away, due to the security lasers in the lift shaft. This signal comes when Basher uses the pinch to knock out the electrics in Las Vegas. Chaos erupts, Linus and Danny drop down the lift shaft and everything is in an uproar. Benedict and Tess leave the match and a phone rings in Tess's jacket, a phone which was planted there by Danny earlier. Rusty is on the line, who informs Benedict of the robbery which is currently occurring. This may seem like a strange strategy but wait for a few moments, as there are more twists to come. It's almost as if it was last summer, happier times.
Wait, we have to get home for Baywatch! No credits, can't find any
Benedict asks Tess to go up to their luxury apartment in the hotel, whilst he stays in the security area. Danny and Linus blow their way into the vault, almost blowing up Yen, whos bandage was stuck in the door (due to Linus from earlier on). But thankfully, the acrobat still has all his limbs, but he is a little pissed at the delay. Back in the security room, Rusty has Livingston turn the camera to a live-stream of the vault, showing the gang robbing Benedict. Benedict silently gets his head of security to call the cops, whilst appearing to agree to let the robbers take how the funds in his vault. The robbers place cases in the lift which are placed in a van (that is being controlled by a robot), which is followed by Benedict's security team. Once the van stops at a private airport, the security team go to stop the van from fleeing, but when they approach the van it explodes. They report back that the bags that were placed in the van were full of hooker flyers.
At this point, Benedict is in the vault with the S.W.A.T. team, looking at the wreckage of the room. He angrily asks the Police to leave, which they do (rather suspicious if you ask me, but I'm a cynic at heart). All alone, he looks at the floor and asks the security team to re-run the tape of the robbery. He asks them if the Bellagio logo on the mat is shown on the video, which is confirmed to be missing from the tape. He realises that they've been duped, that the footage was from a replica of the vault, so he goes to speak to Danny. In a montage sequence, you see that when the head of security called the Police, the team diverted the call to Livingston, who pretended to be the police. You then see the S.W.A.T. team (who is really the gang, playing dress-up) assist Danny, Yen and Linus bagging up the real cash, blow up the vault and walk out with the cash.
Just as the penny drops.... No credits, can't find any
Benedict opens the door to where Danny is being held, to find Mr Ocean in the middle of his "beating" from Bulldog. You see, it's all about timing. Benedict asks Danny if he had anything to do with "it" (hinting at the robbery, but not specifically saying he'd been robbed), Danny looks confused and claims innocence. Hearing this, Terry releases Danny, asking his security to guide him out of the building. At the same time, the gang call Tess in the fancy apartment, telling her to turn on her TV. She sees a feed of Danny and Terry talking, where Benedict says he'd give up Tess to get his money back. As you'd expect, Tess takes this to heart. Danny says he knows someone who could help Terry get his cash back, but Terry tells his goons to get Ocean out of there and to hand him over to the police for violating his parole (you can't leave your home state, which was not Nevada for Danny Ocean, the bad lad).
My favourite scene of the whole film! No credits, can't find any
Benedict heads to his apartment, where Tess passes him and dumps his ass, leaving Terry to go back to his apartment alone and broke. Tess catches up with Danny as he's being led away by the Police, where they make up and he says he'll be out of prison in a few months with good behaviour. Whilst this is happening, the rest of the gang celebrate their successful heist by watching the fountain show outside The Bellagio. One by one, they walk away into the night and the screen fades to black. But it's not over! They pulled a LOTR on us, the crafty bastards! Danny is released from prison after serving his sentence, with Rusty waiting outside for him. Tess is waiting in the car, a small conversation and they finally reconcile. As they drive away, Benedict's personal goons are watching their movements, obviously following Ocean to see what has happened with the funds!
You can read the shorter and less details plot on Wikipedia here.
Pro
+ The layers in this film is ludicrous! Things that are small and in the background, like the air freshener in the van, the jewels being polished by Basham, the phone being dropped secretly in Tess's pocket, all tiny things build up into one massive perfect heist.
How is he so thin when he's eating in every scene!!! No credits, can't find any
+ This is a real team picture, everyone gets their moments to shine on the camera. You can look at them all, study them and there is not one person I could say that "X" character could be recast. It's one of the few times I think that the casting of a film is spot on, each actor and actress excels in their roles, creating a fascinating story that you can absorb yourself in. I believe Carl Renier's Saul when he is being the Russian weapons dealer, I believe Casey Affleck & Scott Caan as two brothers who live in this battle of one-ups-man-ship that is so childish and stupid. Brad Pitt eating all the time though, that's not believable (honestly, the man never stops with the food and drink in this, he should be bigger than me, must have a high metabolism, lucky bastard).
+ The visuals of this film are perfect, all the glitz, sleaze, glamour and fury are shown on screen, with the camera work almost being another member of the crew. You could argue that it's style over substance, but as this film has about a million layers to the heist, that argument is wrong and stupid.
Legend - RIP No credits, can't find any
+ The more I watch this film, the more I appreciate the understated performance of Carl Renier. He tends to be the quiet man, unless he's being the arms dealer. I love how he can steal a scene without much action, just by his sheer presence. We miss you Carl, here is hoping you're at rest now!
+ It was a nice touch to have the cameos of some of the actors from the original Ocean's 11, which started Frank Sinatra and members of The Rat Pack. Sure, they didn't drag out Frank's corpse, but Henry Silva and Angie Dickinson both appeared. The group of actors being taught to play poker consisted of Holly Marie Combs, Topher Grace, Joshua Jackson, Barry Watson and Shane West, which was fun to see them be willing to play suckers. Not everyone would be up for that, so kudos to them. On a side note, it's at times like these that I regret adding IMDb links to each actor/actress's name! Damn you past Eddie, you've given yourself too much work!
But where is Linda God damn it! No credits, can't find any
+ Andy Garcia as Terry Benedict is a believable bastard, you could see him trying to tear you apart and leave you to watch as he goes after everyone you've ever loved as well. He just seems to have a calm feeling, but you know that vicious streak is ready to pop out at any time. This would diminish in throughout the serious, but more on that in later reviews.
Con
Look at that, must be hiding something No credits, can't find any
- It's a rare case of being a flawless movie for me. I have no real cons. Well, there is just one. They used Donald Trump's casino in Atlantic City, which means his name is in big letters at one point. Must say something about one's ego to do that, bless his wounded soul, always empty and never to quenched. Yet, in the great scheme of things, that's a small thing (in terms of mushroom and cons). Shame it's no longer there, I really could use something to piss on if I was in the neighbourhood. However, back to the movie and away from the Trump bashing, I have no major issues with this movie at all.
- Well, I guess if I had one, and it's truly minor, I don't get that much of a chemistry between George Clooney and Julia Roberts on this movie. Even when they get back together, there is a feeling of distance. But it's a minor thing, as they were on bad terms (the characters) in the movie, so that could play into it.
Final Verdict
This man has no decorum! Twice in the same movie, in jail in a tux! No credits, can't find any
Oceans Eleven is a beautiful remake, a fantastic film that takes the bases of the 1960s movie and takes it in a new direction. I didn't watch this until eight years after it had been released, as I had no real desire to view it. But when it was put on, I was transfixed by it, so much so that I purchased my own copies the very next day. From the opening parole scene to the final moment where they leave the prison with the car roof coming down, there is not a wasted moment or scene in this movie.
No-one over shadows anyone else in the movie, all of the characters are essential to the end result, so nothing is wasted or unanswered. If I was to compare it to another movie, I would compare it to Where Eagles Dare. Now, both of these are vastly different, one is this movie I'm reviewing, the other is a stunning War movie with Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood. But you have the slow build through the movie, something that is small and strange at the beginning of the film becomes important towards the end. I love that forward planning, it's what links these two movies together.
Yep, Rusty's shirt is awful! No credits, can't find any.
From beginning to end, Ocean's Eleven is one of those perfect gems, a star-studded behemoth which has never been equalled by its sequels or any other heist movie before or since. I'm still wondering how it was not a shoe in for award scene when it was released, Jim Broadbent won one in the year it would have been elligible! But, that is beside the point here, as it's a winner for me. The whole package is stunning, the visual imagery a treat for the eyes, a story that keep you entertained throughout. Watch this now, why have you not watched it, watched it this moment!
10 out of ten - silver screen perfection!
Original poster - credit: Associated Film Distribution
(according to Wikipedia anyway)
Plot
The film starts with the Muppets holding a screening of their first movie (yeah, before Spaceballs, Mel Brooks was in this movie, probably where he got the idea for a movie within a movie, WE KNOW WHAT YOU DID BROOKS!!!! (Warning - the last sentence might contain sarcasm, for a brighter tomorrow). It's rather silly, as you'd come to expect with a Muppet movie, lots of one-liners and then the opening credits roll.
Imagine trying to keep this lot
under control, no wonder Kermit
always sounds stressed!
No credits, can't find any.
Kermit the Frog is living in his swamp, singing about rainbows and being a mate with a crocodile, when a talent agent called Bernie (the late, great, da-da-DDDDDDAAAAA, Dom DeLuise) bumps into Kermit and convinces him to attend a talent audition in Holywood. When he starts this journey, he meets Doc Hopper (Charles Durning) and his assistant Max (Austin Pendleton), who try to persued him to be their spokes-frog for Hoppers' Fried Frog Legs Business. Kermit gives a hard pass, but they won't take no for an answer and a pursuit throughout the film starts.
Along the way to Holywood, Kermit meets up with Fozzie (bar-fight), Scooter (managing the Electric Mayhem band), Gonzo and Camilla (car crash), Sweetums (selling said cars to a shady car salesman), Miss Piggy (beauty pageant) and others along the way. Somehow, they all join Kermit on his dream to entertain the world, apart from Sweetums who they forget, and the Electric Mayhem, who are too busy jamming. To be honest, it sounds more like a cult when you read it on Wikipedia, but Kermit is too nice for that. Fozzie though, he'd be in a cult in a flash, never trusted him.
Mel Brooks, stealing material! ;-)
No credits, can't find any!
After a date between Miss Piggy and Kermit goes wrong (oh, those guys and their misunderstandings), they are kidnapped by Hopper and his goons, taken to Professor Max Krassman (Mel Brooks aka, scene-stealer (We know what you did!!!! (Must confess, love his stuff, but also love being silly))), a scientist who is going to brainwash Kermit. This ultimately fails, because of reasons, you know what you're getting with a Muppets film, they're not going to end up harmed. That would be a dark and silly film if they did that, see The Happytime Murders for further details of that.
After they escape, the gang escape and get stranded in the desert. But they're rescued by the Electric Mayhem band, as the gang had given them a script so they'd know where to find them. It's a plot twist that would make Deadpool laugh. :-) Whilst this is happening, Hooper is sick of his gangs' failure to capture Kermit, so he hires a Frog Killer to hunt them down. This prompt Max to dress as a Motorcycle Cop to warn Kermit and the gang. Kermit decides enough is enough, telling Max to inform Hopper to meet Kermit in the conveniently close ghost-town, which looks nothing like an abandoned cowboy set.
Muppets doing their Warriors take
No credits, can't find any!
Before Hooper and his cronies arrive, Kermit and Co meet Dr Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant, Beaker, who are using the town to conduct experiments in secret. Mostly making things bigger with marshmallows, which they leave carelessly around. Hooper arrives and after a heartwarming shout with Kermit, decides to kill the frog as he will not be his spokes-frog (a dark twist which was not expected). However, Animal has eaten one of the giant growing marshmallows, smashing through the roof of Honeydew's lab building, scaring away the bad guys.
This leaves the group very little time to make it to Holywood, where they go into the offices of studio executive Lew Lord (Orson Wells), asking if he would consider giving them a shot at fame. He agrees, giving them the standard 'rich and famous' contract. This leads to the gang singing a song in front of a pastiche of their adventures, which is destroyed because of "reasons". Then, a rainbow shines on them, more muppets (and the gang from Sesame Street) turn up. Then Sweetums runs through the screen of the original screening (remember the start of the movie) and a big argument starts, roll credits, etc.
Pros
Muppets were always big on
musical numbers, part of their charm.
No credits, can't find any.
+ The story is a simple one, it plays to the strength of the muppets. A thin plot to have some comedy beats, chicken flirting, bad-bear jokes from a cult leader in the making, a million cameos and a happy ending to send the audience home with a smile. What more would you want from one of these movies?
+ Whilst you get the whole gang here, it focuses on the core of Kermit, Fozzie, Gonzo and Piggy. Each of the other Muppets gets their time to shine but never to the determent of the movie. It's rather quick in that regard.
+ The songs are catchy and will be familiar to anyone who grew up with The Muppets. Nothing is out of place there, as it's standard for these movies to have musical numbers. It would be a rather strange movie if it didn't have such numbers, a dark and depressing world indeed.
+ It's also an easy movie to watch, you don't need to read too much into it, as it's got the depth of an empty can of pop. But this isn't a serious film, it's the first Muppet Movie, so you're not gonna get something like a Wes Anderson production!
Cons
Have you had an accident that wasn't
your fault?
No credits, can't find any!
+ Like a lot of Muppets films, it's over heavy on the cameos. I mean there are sixteen cameos in this movie alone. Some of them I didn't know, but when said person has a line or two, you soon realise that they are the cameo for that scene. I've always been a fan of just a few famous faces turning up, but, to be honest, this is just me splitting hairs.
Final Verdict
The Muppet Movie is a perfect, all-ages entertainment film, it's as offensive as your favourite meal and still makes me chuckle. It's by no means a perfect movie, some parts look a little rough around the edges. However, that's part of its charm, because it has that innocent, rough and ready edge. The real art of the muppets is when they break the fourth wall, it feels natural. When people encounter them, they don't look shocked at these puppets, they live in a reality where the Muppets are part of the everyday encounters that they have. People just accept them for who they are, which is a lesson some people need to learn about other humans, just so you can get the subtle hint, respect everyone and don't be a douche canoe. You don't come into a Muppet movie looking for high drama, you watch it to be entertained for an hour and a bit, some positive message and Gonzo being shot out of a cannon. For full disclosure, I've always identified with Gonzo, we could make a business called Whatever Incorporated. Take that Disney, me and my blue buddy will take on the world!
Who wears short shorts!
No credits, can't find any
I know I put the cameo's in the cons, but to be honest, that was only to prevent you from looking at an empty piece of screen. Cameo's are part of the deal, a natural step from their guts of the week on the Muppets show. Look at the list of people who were cameos here: Richard Pryor, Steve Martin (my favourite of the lot), James Coburn, Bob Hope, Madeline Kahn, Elliott Gould, Telly Savalas, Carol Kane and more. It was a good section of up & comers, with some legends (see Dom DeLuise and Orson Wells), just like the Muppets themselves.
And here is the happy ending....
Before Sweetums runs in....
No credits, can't find any!
If people are expecting a bashing, they'll have to go to another blog, as it ain't happening here. For me, The Muppet Movie is the start of a series of movies, one which starts with the right tone, a little gem of innocence and fun. Well, apart from the wanting to kill Kermit bit, that was just strange. But overall, you would be hard pushed to find a film that was not originally owned by Disney (which it is now, more on that in other reviews) that still feels as comforting now as it would have done when it was new. Sure, it's no 10-star classic, but it's a good one all the same.
7 out of ten - A fun-filled caper to the Muppets cinematic catalogue, one which sets the tones for movies to come.
This man would be no use in a
Supermarket Sweep challenge!
No credits, couldn't find any.
In 1936, Indiana Jones (Harrison Ford) is in Peru, trying to “retrieve” (also known as “stealing”) a valuable idol, lost deep in the jungle. He’s double-crossed, left for dead, and has to escape a massive boulder, as he’s no good at guessing the weight of a small, golden statuette (I bet Cash for Gold would have given him £12-fiddy for it). The main swerve comes just after he’s escaped the boulder to be confronted by French archaeologist Dr. René Belloq (Paul Freeman). He and his hired help “retrieve” the idol for themselves. laughing in an evil way, to show they're bad guys. Dr. Jones runs off and flies away with his whip and a snake between his legs (in a plane, he’s not a bird mutant, that would be weird).
Evil, but dashing!
No credits, couldn't find any!
Back at his day job as a University/College lecturer, a perfect cover for a grave robber, his students make inappropriate passes at him., whilst he gives infrequent lectures on lost art and archaeology. He is approached by Dr. Marcus Brody (Denholm Elliott) to meet with two Army agents, who want to talk to him, probably about his gold fixation. But no, it turns out that his old tutor, Abner Ravenwood, is in danger from Nazis who want something in his possession. They figure out that as he owned “The staff of Ra”, and that the Nazi’s were probably looking for the fabled Ark of the Covenant. Due to its mystical properties, it’s a formidable weapon, which could make any army invincible (cue spooky music).
Indian goes to Nepal in search of Abner, with a Nazi in tow (see what happens when you sleep on a plane, not something I would do), where he finds Marion Ravenwood (Karen Allen), bar owner, daughter of Abner. She is now in possession of the Staff of Ra as Abner is dead, sad times that are swept under the rug. But Indiana is not getting the medallion any time soon, as Marion holds a grudge over the way that her "inappropriate" relationship with Indiana had previously ended. After kicking him out, Arnold Thoht (Ronald Lacey) and Nazi soldiers arrive and try to “retrieve” said staff, along with a bit of torture (no laughs at this point). Cue the return of Dr. Jones, big fight ensues, Nazis are branded, the medallion is rescued but Marion’s bar is burnt down in the process. So, she gives the medallion to Indiana, but as he burnt down her bar, she’s coming along for the ride.
Fight or toilet, what a choice.
No credits, can't find any!
Next stop, Egypt! They meet up with Sallah (John Rhys-Davies), another “retriever” of items for museums, bad boy that he is, but loveable too. He has a monkey, this is a subplot. They are in a race against time, as Belloq and the Nazis are there, looking for the “Well of Souls”. They know this is the key to finding the Ark of the Covenant, spooky music, moody Indiana with a bad belly, drama. There is a brief meeting between Belloq and Jones, Marion is kidnapped/killed in an explosion (similar to what was happening in real life for Harrison Ford, as he had a jippy tummy), and the monkey turns out to be a Nazi spy and accidentally eats poisoned food intended for Indiana. Never trust cutie animals, Scooby-Doo is probably a closet Tory.
I hope he's got some sunscreen on!
No credits, couldn't find any!
Due to Indiana realising that the Nazis still need the medallion to find the Well of Souls, he figures he still should look for the Ark. Never mind mourning your dead ex-girlfriend, looking for a shiny trinket weapon is more important! With the Staff of Ra completed with a big stick, it's a map that will show anyone who’s in the right place, at the right time, the exact location of the Ark. So, they go to the Nazi digging site, where Indiana finds Marion is alive (there was much rejoicing), promptly leaving her, so not to stop him finding the Well of Soul. What a bastard! The said bastard found the Ark site in a dramatic scene with a model and sunlight, which led to him finding (dum, dum, dum) the Ark. But, the Nazis and Belloq “retrieve” the Ark from Indiana, rough up Sallah, and throw Marion into the Well of Souls with a lot of snakes. Spooky music, C-3PO & R2-D2 hiding the hieroglyphics, lots of screaming - standard.
Being the resourceful chap he is, Indiana and Marion escape their snakey death, Indiana and Marion chase the Nazis by air, sea, and land until a Belloq gets sick of their constant pursuit. After Indiana stops them whilst holding a bazooka, he dares Dr. Jones to destroy the Ark, knowing he won’t as he’s too committed to the preservation of knowledge and artefacts. Know thy enemy and you will know yourself! The Nazis capture Indiana and Marion, taking them along to secret location where Belloq is going to “test” the Ark. Why did he not just be done with them there, is a mystery, but it proves to be a flaw (sort of, I'll get to that).
Shits about to get real, time to hide!
No credits, couldn't find any!
So, on an unspecified island in the Aegean Sea, Indiana and Marion are tied to a post, whilst Belloq recites the ritual to open the Ark. At this point, Dr. Jones tells Marion to close her eyes, which they both promptly do. After thinking that the ritual has failed, Angels come out of the Ark and proceed act all nice and then they MELT THE NAZIS and make Belloq’s head explode. The Angels leave Indiana and Marion alone, go back into the sand and the Ark closes. The film ends with the Ark is in the ends of the Americans, locked in Area 51, whilst Dr. Jones and Marion walk away after Jones and Brody have been given hush money. End film, roll credits, da-da-da-DA-da-da-daaaaaaa......
For a detailed plot, you can look at the Wikipedia page here.
Pros
+ This is a classic movie, in terms of visual effects, storytelling and iconic moments. At the time of its release, the public loved it and it was an international smash. Not hard to see why it's a joy to the eyes in terms of love letters to the silver screeen.
+ Because of the lack of computers at the time, the effects/models were used to fantastic effect. Whilst the melting Nazis still scares me to this day (more on that later), I cannot fault them, as they worked so well!
See, beards are cool!
No credits, couldn't find any!
+ As the story is basic, it’s very effective. The basic idea is an Action Saturday drama the influenced George Lucas and Steven Spielberg into becoming filmmakers. It a swashbuckling drama, plot not too deep, plenty of action, and the hero goes into the sunset. Somethings don’t need to be complicated, they just need to be to the point. This is something that George Lucas will lose over the years, see Attack of the Clones for proof.
+ The action sequences (the boulder scene, looking for Marion in Egypt, burning bar barney, etc) are excellent, with lots of quotable lines too. How many people have wanted to do the scene with the man flourishing a sword, only to be ad-libbed shot as Harrison Ford had the trots that day? See, there is a good side to food poisoning.
Boo, bad guys!!!!
No credits, can't find any!
+ Paul Freeman as Dr. René Belloq is one of the best pieces of film casting ever. Yes, he is a flat two-dimensional villain who's only on the side of the Nazis as he wants to find the Ark first. He's only doing it for the glory, and to beat Dr. Jones once again. He is, after all, merely the shadowy version of Jones. To be honest, that character should have fallen flat on its thin arse! However, Paul Freeman fills the role in a way that makes him dashing, dynamic, and dare I say it, sympathetic to a certain degree. Both he and Indiana Jones are after the same thing, the pursuit of the Ark and to have their names attached to its legend. He's just cast as the bad guy in this one, but he can wear a white suit in a way that I cannot.
She could drink us all under
the table and still be up the
next day to have a fry up!
No credits, couldn't find any!
+ Karen Allen's portrayal of Marion Ravenwood was spot on. She can drink people under the table, is never useless, and is willing to beat up anyone who wants to fight her. I always thought they should have made a spin-off of adventure with her too, instead of The Temple of Doom (that review will be coming soon).
Cons
- The Big Bang Theory ruining this. If you’ve not seen the episode (Season 7, Episode 4 The Raiders Minimization), here is the spoiler. The characters Sheldon Cooper and his girlfriend Amy Farrah Fowler watch Raiders of the Lost Ark, Amy stuns Sheldon by pointing out the fact that Indiana Jones's actions have no effect on the ending of the movie. This is sadly true, cause if Dr. Jones was not there, the Nazis would have got the medallion sooner, found the Ark sooner and melted sooner. Whilst this has nothing to do with the contents of the film which onscreen, every time I think of it, I sigh a little. It really makes me sad that when you truly look at it, the theory holds water. This was the sort of flaw I was referring to before, even there, it made no difference. Damn you, Amy, damn you!
Just looking at this photo gives
me the shivers, not in a good way!
Please, someone, check my house for
melting bad guys!
No credits, couldn't find any!
- Now, about those melting Nazis. Why is one of the most iconic moments in cinematic history in the cons? Well, you have to go back to 1981, an age where the internet didn’t exist, and a five-year-old Eddie saw in the cinema and screamed...a lot. To this day, I still get the shivers and nausea thinking about it. It’s not a real con to anyone but me, I get that. But this cons’ list is very short, so I need to add something here.
- Whilst you never need too much depth in these movies, it might have been nice to have Sallah have more of a backstory. No, just me again, okay.
- Are we going to discuss Marion saying “I was a child!” at Indiana when discussing their past relationship? No, just brushing it under the carpet? Okay........
Final Verdict
This is how you find Wally!
No credits, couldn't find any!
Raiders of the Lost Ark is a classic, one of the cornerstones which both Spielberg and Lucas have rested their reputation on. For being a film that is influenced by those early cinematic shorts of years gone by, it's a love letter to a simpler time. A time where a man can pursue his dreams of finding treasure, be a lecturer on the side, have a dashing adventure, and wear a wide-brimmed hat in style! You're technically rooting for a grave robber, but he's the good guy, the American hero who is all about the pursuit of history, so stop your shouting!
Whilst I sound very sarcastic in that last sentence, I do hold this movie in high regard. Yes, some of it has started to date awfully, and I don't mean the effects (still terrified, damn your special effects team Lucas and Spielberg, damn them to hell). Yes, the "I was a child" has always made my skin crawl, always will. But in terms of iconic scenes, stupid, yet effective dialogue, Nazis melting, and short fights due to a jippy tummy, it's a true cornerstone of late 20th-century cinema. It won five Oscars and many other awards along the way, leading to three sequels of differing quality.
Sallah doesn't like the idea of a
the fifth film either!
No credits, can't find any!
As I write this, there's a 5th film in this series being created, with Harrison Ford doing the fedora once more. I hoped that The Crystal Skull (which I will review at some point) would be the end of it. But no, Disney wants some Indiana Jones bucks to add to their treasure chest. I don't think I'm alone in saying I hope it doesn't happen. There does not need to be another movie! The end to the third one (The Last Crusade, again, a review will happen at some point) with him, his Dad, Brody and Sallah riding off into the sunset was perfect. But, that is a discussion for another day.
Thin plot aside and questionable moral judgments, Raiders of the Lost Ark is a film that will live on in history for years to come. It will continue to influence young directors and writers, in the same way, that Lucas & Spielberg were influenced by the source material. Hollywood has always loved a love letter to itself, this is no exception to that rule. So, if someone could confirm there are no melting Nazis in my house, I might be able to sleep with the light off tonight......
9 out of ten - Guaranteed to raise a smile, a quote and a laugh. But seriously, could someone check for the melting Nazis ghosts?????
During the final battle between Superman (Henry Cavill - swoon) and General Zod (Michael Shannon/Body Double) in Man of Steel, Bruce Wayne (Ben Affleck, aka Sad-fleck for this movie. A mean name I felt, but he does look sad a lot here, poor love) is in downtown Metropolis, just in time to recuse one of his workers' from under a steel girder, be on the phone whilst the manager of the Wayne Enterprises office is destroyed in the fighting/demolition of the building, and give a little girl a hug whilst looking moody and angry at the on-going alien pow-woo battle over the city.
With various scene of looking back with a moody expression, a court explosion due to a legless man subplot that kills half the subplots in one go, the film continues until Batman and Superman have fisty cuffs, with Superman being told that he has to kill Batman of his mother Martha (Diana Lane) will be killed. Cue a rather long barney rubble (fight for you Yanks who are reading this), which only ends when Superman reveals that his mothers' name is Martha, the same as Moma Batsy. As Batman runs off to save Matha Kent, Superman heads off to have words with Lex, who's back at the Super spaceship. It's at this point that Lex unleashes "Doomsday", aka the creature created by Lex via diabolic means (off-screen). There's another big barney, this time with Wonder Woman (I know, never saw that one happening either) turning up and having a go too. Superman and Doomsday are both killed in the film (what!!!), Superman is buried, as is Clark Kent (and still no-one guesses they're the same guy), with Sad-fleck asking Wonder Woman to help him find the other Meta-humans. Supermans' coffin starts to vibrate, end film.
For a more detailed version of the plot, with less swearing, you can read the Wikipedia article here.
Reaction
Good points
+ If you have ever since the theatrical cut of this movie, you will know that it's a bit of a mess, by which I mean that it's bloody awful. It was too rush, too dark and didn't make sense in place. The Ultimate Cut (why not call it the Directors' Cut, that would have been much better) have thirty minutes of extra footage, including some extra plot point. It does fill in the movie, giving some scenes more depth.
+ The casting of Henry Cavill as Superman (although this was for Man of Steel) was perfect, he is a better Superman than Christopher Reeve, as he does both parts perfectly, not just one (sorry Mr Reeve, but we still miss you. RIP). Seriously, the man can act, he also can make his own computer and is into nerd things. Me and Mr Oyston might have a man-crush on him, swoon.
+ This was the debut of Ben Affleck as Batman, and I think he was one of the better points of this movie. He had to be sad a lot, angry a lot and talk in a gruff voice. He also brought the older version of Batman to life, which really worked for me. I really enjoyed the opening scene when he was running around, trying to help and feeling helpless. It was well-acted, no Martha shouting, he looked vulnerable and pissed off in equal measure. A believable performance from a great actor, someone who gets too much shit (so of which is his own fault, but not on this one or JL).
Sadfleck sad, give him a cuddle HC!
No credits, could not find any.
+ The first half of the movie does have some good points, the build towards the courtroom scene is great, your internal itching to have someone beat up Lex, the mystery of who Diana really is (not really, just grasping at straws in a way) are really good.
+ I prefer the moody direction for DC movies, it suits the product and the characters. Whilst I do love all my Superhero movies, regardless of studio, the grim reality that the DC universe is set just seems to work for me.
+ The computer file introductions of Cyborg, The Flash and Aquaman were very good. Small hints at what was to come, creating a little bit of intrigue.
+ Whoever thought of Jeremy Irons as Alfred Pennyworth deserve a knighthood (see what I did there), a perfect Alfred!
+ You could say it's not as bad as you heard (again, straws being grab at).
Bad Points
- This film is still very messy in places. It tries to put into one movie about three films worth of content. You needed a slower build towards the inevitable Justice League film, but DC was trying to catch up with Marvel Studio at the time. This would be one of many mistakes by DC/Synder. The many, many, many mistakes.
Creepers gonna creep!
No credits, couldn't find any.
- Jesse Eisenberg is just awful as Lex Luthor, just awful. I've tried to defend him before, but this re-watch just confirmed his portrayal of the legendary character was just a swing and a miss. Also, following of from Gene Hackman, that was a tall order for anyone. I'm sorry Jesse, it's not you....actually, it is you this time, please don't be Lex again.
- The whole "Martha" thing was another cop-out, one which saw them go from almost killing each other to best buds in seconds. They also trusted Wonder Woman too fast for my liking, she might have been a rogue agent! I know, splitting hairs on that last point, but I do think that they went from "stabby with a kryptonite spear" to pally-wally far too fast.
- Since when have Metropolis and Gotham been that close!!!! I know a lot is going on in this movie, but come the fuck on!
- Jimmy Olsen as a CIA agent!!! I can understand you trying to do a spin on this, but this sort of this brings my geek anger to full keyboard warrior.
Look at me with my BIG BURNING
EYES!!!!
No credits, couldn't find any.
- The use of Doomsday is up there with Bane being Poison Ivy's lackey in Batman & Robin. You could have had a whole movie with Doomsday, but it was reduced to twenty or so minutes of us wondering what could have been one brilliant fight-movie. A missed opportunity on a legendary piece of comic book history, more lost Synder points.
- Whilst we're on the subject, why did Batman rescue the Super-Mom? I know that Doomsday is more attached to Superman, but the audience didn't know it was Doomsday at this point, so it makes no sense to send his new best-cape-buddy to rescue his mom! Unless, and this is a long shot to be honest, unless he thinks they should be dating. No, that's just creepy, forget I said it.
- I've always had an issue about DC films not using people who portray characters on DC TV Shows. Whilst Ezra Millers' Flash is a delight, Grant Gustin was already delighting the world on The Flash TV show. I know that this has all been sorted with the recent Crisis of Infinite Earth Arrowverse TV special, where the two Flash's meet, but it's been a long time coming to sort this. It's always felt like a slap in the face of the TV product, but that's just me (as well as a million other nerds).
- Whilst we're dealing with the Flash, why was that bit when he popped up in raggy clothes not mentioned in Justice League. Big continuity error Synder, you lose Synder points for that!
Final verdict
Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice (The Ultimate Cut) is a messy movie, no matter which version of it you watch. For all the good that Synder puts it to the film, he also throws in far too much into the mixer, which creates an overcooked plot, delivery and the long, long, long ending. As I mentioned earlier, you plot devices which could have fueled three other movies in this one film, giving the film an air of desperation. At one point in the ending, I was sure I saw two hobbits with a ring, it was that long.
For the most part, the casting is spot-on, Henry is dreamy as ever, Sad-fleck is really good, so good that I'm Glad-fleck (see what I did there, I'm hilarious.... please stop crying). The casting of Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman is good, even if not exactly Glamour-zon for my tastes. However, she is one of only a few people that seems to have anything heading towards substance. Everyone after that, and we're including Amy Adams, Laurence Fishburne et al play out parts with a 1-d flourish. They come and go, they're on and off-screen without so much as a bye, or a leave. Jesse Eisenberg, on the other hand, is so good at being punchable in this movie, that he ruins what could have been an average performance and takes one of the best villains and makes him a douche canoe.
Yet, for all it's faults, for all the problems, BvS: DoJ is still a watchable movie. I mean, OK, I won't be watching it again this year, even if Covid-19 is keeping me indoors, sad times but could be worse. But I've watched this three times now, I must have some sort of enjoyment there, or maybe I just like trash-superhero-beat 'em up's. For my money, I can see the ideas within the film, all fighting for their moment to shine. They achieve this to various degrees of success, but I like a few parts of it. The Batman dream sequences are pretty good, Superman saving Louis was actually fun, Alfred with his no-so-thinly-veiled barbs at Bruce, there's no CGI moustache, I could go on (but not for much longer).
No Synder, I will fix it! Leave it alone!
No Credits, can't find any,
At the end of the day, Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice (The Ultimate Cut) is the best version of this movie. Yes, it couldn't have been much worse, but it does fill in a few blanks. I still think that the current DC Universe is too rushed and all over the place. The TV and Movies don't link, which gives it a Jeykll and Hyde vibe. BvS: DoJ is a product of that "KEEP EVERYTHING SEPERATE, IT WILL MAKE US STAND OUT FROM MARVEL! LOOK, WE'RE NOT FOLLOWING MARVEL, WE'RE SEPERATE" mentality that is part of the mindset. I'm not going to be saying anything shocking here, it's not like I think it should've won an Oscar or even a Saturn award. But it's looked down on a little too harshly, it just needed someone to have attempted to keep the script in one piece. If you've not seen it, give it a go as it fills in some gaps. Just don't expect anything more than an "alright" movie, one which is better than a couple of Marvel films, but not many. Another thing it's got going for it is that it's not Aquaman, that is a whole other blog. File under "leave the brain at home".
5 out of ten - Slap bang in the middle, not cause too much trouble or harm, but not doing much good either.
